Weigh In - Week 15`

OK - much to say, much to updated, but yesterday:

10 KILOS!

I've lost 10 kilos.

Un-effing-believable.

Am stoked.

Have kicked the 90kgs land to the curb.

At this rate - by February - so of my work clothes may even fit!

How have I done it?
1. stress
2. anxiety
3. busy

really.

Week 13, Day 1

Breakfast:
natural yoghurt with stewed rhubarb

Lunch:
Lentil burger w/ rocket and cherry tomoatoes

Snacks:
4 cruskits
1 plum
4 passionfruit

Exercise:
1 massive walk going about half way around Narrabeen Lake and back - I think we were gone for about 1.5 hours, maybe 1hr 20?

Weigh In - Week 13

- 1.5kg

What the!?!

It is a mystery. A mystery.
I mean, I have weeks when I am so very very good and I lose 100g and then weeks like the one past when I don't eat well and indeed eat four brownies in one day and I lose 1.5kgs.
Who knows...

Week 12, Day 7

My relationship with food and my body is absolutely, totally fucked.
The end.

Seriously.

I have eaten incredibly badly this last week - and not bad as in a lot or junk food or anything like that, just really bad - like the row of brownies I ate today. Four squares.
And then the guilt I lay on about eating them.
So I don't even enjoy them in the eating.
And then I start thinking about making myself vomit them up.
And have a whole internal dialogue about how that is not a choice.
That is officially a complete cluster-fuck.


I started out today with some low-fat Greek yoghurt and stewed rhubarb and put on daggy gear to go walking in after dropping the boys at school.
But then had to feed Grover first, then deal with Jasper's mega tantrum of the day, and hang out some washing.
By then it was close to nap time and I didn't want Jasper just napping in the stroller so told myself to do a gym workout video when they were asleep.
Instead I fell asleep for half an hour when I put him down and then got up and ate two brownies. Then about 20 Jatz crackers as the packet was open and on the bench and well, they were 'there'.
So I didn't eat lunch because I figured that Jatz crackers and two brownies were damage enough.
And then somewhere between them waking up, hanging out washing and having to pick boys up from school I ate another two brownies.

My mental state at the moment is being so determined by all this.
I see my reflection and wince.
But still I make a choice to eat badly. To binge. Then beat myself up about it.
I continually do a Dr Phil on myself but to no avail.

I mean, investing in this behaviour is rewarding me how?

Week 12, Day 3

Am in jeans.
Non-pregnancy jeans.
Which I don't think I got back into after Jasper.
But maybe I did.
For a little while.

Breakthrough.

Weigh In - Week 12

- 1.6kg

Nothing like an anxiety-attack-laden depressive episode to kick the weight-loss back into gear.
Actually I think I've had a gastro bug of some sort as I really haven't eaten much since early this week.
My head is not in a good place and it's largely due to being back here battling my weight and facing the issues and reality around why I eat what I eat and so on.

Week 11

I'm having a hard time of it at the moment. Back (Still?) in that land of being so depressed about my weight and how I look and so angry that I can't cook and bake whatever I feel like and eat it with gay abandon.

Anger. That is a real mainstay of my mindset at the moment. So angry about so much and I just can't seem to shake it. Oh don't worry, I am doing the most impressive cognitive therapy on myself but still I just rage it out. Eugh.

I just do NOT want to be in the 90s. So stop baking for a few weeks just to get over that hurdle. But I don't want to stop baking and cooking delicious things to eat. Well then accept you will probably never be 68kgs. But I can't accept that. Well get.over.it. Suck.it.up. Get moving. Stop eating.

And on and on and on it goes.

Weigh In - Week 11

No change.
Which, considering the porkfest is quite a remarkable thing.
That said, I did a LOT more exercise this week - a massive walk one day, half an hour with ball and band another, an hour aerobic workout on one day and the purchase and moving of 250kg of sandpit sand.
And with that, I feel lighter. Stiff but lighter.


I know I'm not putting my whole heart into this at the moment.
And then bitching about it.
So I'm just going to suck it up and try harder this week.

Goals

I haven't written this post down because it means I have to tell you all what I weigh.
And I know for a fact that some of you who read this weigh almost half of what I weigh and well, that just makes me feel really embarrassed and repulsive.
But I think it's important for me in being accountable for what I'm eating, for taking care of this body, for losing the excess weight and gaining the lifestyle and good health I want.

Today I weigh 93.3kgs
When I started I weighed 97.6kgs
I am 1.67m tall
My goal weight range is 71-56kgs.
I dream of weighing 60kgs. (I weighed 61kgs in 1984 when I was 13 and in 6th grade. I was probably just a few cms shy of how tall I am now. I know I weighed that as it was a public weigh-in during PE at school and there was an audible gasp from the other girls in my class.)
My dream goal weight is 65kgs.
My realistic goal weight is 68kgs.

My first goal is to lose 5kgs by next Thursday, 15 November.

I want to be under 90kgs by Christmas.
That is a loss of at least 3.3kgs in 6 weeks.

Then my 10% goal - 87.8
Then to be under 85kg by 4 February (when I return to work from maternity leave)

Then my next 10% goal - 79kg
Then under 75kg
Then my next 10% goal - 71kg
Then to be under 70kg
Then goal.

I think my goals for weight loss by return to work are ambitious (particularly considering my birthday, Christmas, New Years and Australia Day are in there) and I'm not convinced I have the willpower to do it. But then I beat myself up that if I really wanted it I would work hard for it.

But I also know me.
I know that I love food and I love to bake and I love to eat.
And that weight loss for weight loss's sake is not worth it.
Because it all just comes back tenfold.
I need to do this in a way that is sustainable.
I like chocolate. I adore cake. I love a drink. An antipasto plate is a beautiful thing.
I am not going to be the person who nibbles on a carrot stick all the while wanting to bury her head in the blue cheese.

This is going to take some time.

Weigh In - Week 10

+0.1kg

So I had wanted to lost 5kgs in 10 weeks.
I've lost 4.3kgs.
This week I had set myself the goal of losing 0.6kgs to reach that goal.
Instead I sabotaged myself at virtually every opportunity.
I only did one lot of exercise. No walks. No exercise DVDs. No gym.
IDIOT.

This week I've swapped from doing WW in the prepaid 10 weeks block and gone to WW unlimited with the online access etc. (I tried to do this at the start but didn't have a credit card, now we have a debit Visa so I could) I think that perhaps having the message boards with others will help me stay on track and be accountable.
Already this from Shaz in Adelaide has got into my head and given me renewed commitment.

Week 9, Days 4-6

Oy.
This week has been hard hard hard.
My Ode to Nigella is taking its toll.
I feel like giving up and just eating eating eating.
And sitting on my arse.
But I won't.
But I'm getting tired of the seesaw - lose one week, gain the next, lose, gain, beat self up and repeat.
I feel like I need to come over all Mr T with myself - you know, 'quit your jibberjabber' and deal.with.it.
I just don't wanna.

Week 9, Day 3

Breakfast/Lunch - two Whisk&Pin muesli cookies, half a Portuguese custard tart
Afternoon tea - slice of amazing goats cheese and a citron tart.
Dinner - pumpkin and pinenut quiche

Hardly a great day in terms of calory intake, but a wonderful day of flavours and fresh produce.

Week 9, Days 1-2

So I've had a slight slide with the whole don't eat to celebrate weight loss rule.

Yesterday day was OK, last night was a disaster. I put it down to pure exhaustion.
We had take away pizza.
Granted, the pizzas are fantastic from where we get them from - a great little joint in Collaroy called Alimento - but not at the amount I gorged myself on last night. GORGED.

I had some spaghetti marinara - lovely and not just made with that hideous creation entitled 'seafood mix'. Shudder.
But then there was the calzone to try - again, delicious with ricotta, basil, olive tapenade and capsicums.
And then slice... or three... of the other pizzas we got.
Ridiculous.

And then there has been today.
So far.
I had the remaining piece of calzone for breakfast.
Then two pieces of Chef's request - which would have been fine what for the pepperoni.
Then a few teaspoons of nutella.

Now, having just confessed that I realise it isn't that bad and to stop. NOW.

I did half an hour with my 'ball and band' DVD this morning which has made me feel really good.

Bake on track now.
5 kilos in 10 weeks is the first of my goals.
0.6kgs to lose this week to reach that goal.

DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.
DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.
DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.

Thank you for listening.

Weigh In - Week 8

-0.9kgs

YEY!

I was really pleased. I did more exercise this week, I kept a food diary here which really helped make me accountable (even if the wheels fell of it slightly as my week was manic this week) and just felt more in control.

This has actually meant my initial small goal of 5kgs in 10 weeks is on track. If I lose 0.6kg this week then I've done it. Something I will be very stoked about indeed.

Week 8, Days 5 and 6

These have been manic.
Today was ridiculous.

Yesterday's breakfast was yoghurt and rhubarb
Today's didn't exist as I was getting four kids ready for the day by 7am. And that was even though I was up at 5.15.
There were a LOT of lollies today. A lot of sugar.

Both days featured sushi for lunch


Last night I picked at the duck and chicken as I prepared it for dinner
Tonight I had some udon noodle soup and roasted pineapple.

That's what I can remember.

Tomorrow's weigh in so that will be interesting.

Week 8, Day 4

Breakfast:
1 slice fruit toast w/ ricotta, honey and cinnamon
cup of tea

morning tea:
a very big fingerful of Nutella

Lunch:
breadroll, chicken rissole, slice cheese, beetroot, salad greens, onion

Afternoon tea:
Rhubarb compote

Dinner:
salad leaves, tomatoes tossed w/ parsley, skim milk yoghurt cucumber raita, tandoori chicken, steamed rice

four chocolate finger biscuits

Week 8, Day 3

Breakfast:
Homemade pancakes w/ lemon juice and sugar
cup of tea

lunch (was at a party for a girl in Oscar's class):
three party size sausage rolls
2 slices baguette topped w/ salad and prawns
several multigrain crackers w/ blue cheese
slice cake

Dinner:
Make your own hamburgers - homemade chicken rissole, slice cheese, beetroot, breadroll, which I couldn't finish

water:
2 litres
exercise:
nil (does holding Grover for duration of party - 2.5 hours - count as exercise?)

Week 8, Day 2

Breakfast:
1 slice fruit toast w/ ricotta, honey and cinnamon
cup of tea

Lunch:
Left over homemade pizza
Small bowl leftover low-fat risotto

Afternoon tea:
home made choc chip oatmeal biccie
1 frosty fruit ice block

Dinner:
bbq chicken and salad

water 2 litres
Exercise: walk for about 45mins w/ big hills (from home, up round Warriewood headland, stopped at park for about 15, home) pushing double stroller

Week 8, Day 1

Fruit toast w/ ricotta and a drizzle of honey
cup of tea

Sushi
Handful of chocolate sultanas

home made pizzas - three slices w/ tomato sauce, garlic and ricotta (I was still quite full from lunch)

Exercise - nil

Weigh In - Week 7

Well, I warned you.
+0.7kgs.
I suppose it was all those chocolate finger biscuits dipped in blue icing.
Or the slices of streusel cake.
Or the multitude of scones. With jam. And cream.

But good must come from bad.

It got me back to the gym on Wednesday night.
And I almost enjoyed it.
I could still (just) balance on the exercise ball up on my knees. Not bad eh. Considering I hadn't been since February 2006.
It was also, on a scale, nowhere near as 'bad' as what I was eating almost every day little over seven weeks ago.
My fat intake has probably dropped by 95 per cent.
My junk food intake has essentially ceased.
The empty calories of juice and the sneaking growth of the amount of soft drink I was consuming have both ceased.
We would eat pasta maybe one night a week now. It was 3 or four.
There are lentils on the menu.
And loads of veggies and salad.
Fish is now at least once a week.
And every day I tell myself this road I am on now, will have peaks and valleys.
As it is my life.
And there is a lot of work to be done on how I use food.
For when I am sad, stressed, happy and virtually any other emotion at the end of the emotional spectrum I use food as my buffer.
For everything in between I use food.
I think that by baking for others they'll like me more. I think making lovely things for the boys will make me a better mother. In their eyes.
When simply being me does that each and every day.
But without food I feel stripped bare. Like 'what have I got to fall back on/hide behind/deflect the attention'.

So this week was a valley in terms of my weight going down. But it was a peak in terms of my third child turning two and him having a family around him who love him to bits and who light up his life as much as he shines a thousand golden orbs of light into ours.
And that is what I shall remember.

Week 7

This week has been madness.
You know what I've learnt? Than when I have a good weight loss, when I start feeling better about my body and how I look, celebrating by eating solidly for five days is not the best response.
It started with weigh in day where I ate a LOT of chocolate post the good 0.5kg loss.
It continued with the three day Festival of Jasper birthday celebrations.
The amount of butter frosting I shovelled into my mouth on the end of chocolate finger biscuits is not worth dwelling on. Nor the number of pieces of streusel cake I consumed. Nor the amount of cream I dolloped onto the top of my scones.
Yesterday the number of calories I consumed was just ridiculous.
I did it as a shoot-myself-in-the-foot approach. So convinced am I that I've put on about 1kg this week I figured I might as well make it come true.
SO
I went to the gym last night.
For the first time since February 2006.
2kms on what I believe is called the elliptical trainer in about 13 minutes? The one where you put your feet on 'paddles' and walk. Some ball work for 'inner core' (GOD it felt good to suck in that stomach and make the muscles work) then 10 minutes on the treadmill. About 40 minutes all up.
SO
I'm going to write down everything I eat here, on this blog, for a week.
And I'm going to remember to find less self destructive ways to celebrate eating better and thereby losing weight and gaining fitness than eating cake.
It will be scintillating.

Weigh In - Week 6

-0.5.
I knew it too. I had a good week, which means I felt in control. But it was a pair of (maternity) jeans I pulled on that told me I was on the good road.
5kgs is a dress size, I've lost 4.1.

Week 6, Days 1-6

I've had a pretty good week, which has been interesting because I haven't been feeling as flat. And then I got to yesterday and became all bleak about life and had a whole incident today with rice crackers and spring onion (and then French Onion!) dip (at different times) that we need not go into.
Food to fill the void.

Weigh In - Week 5

-0.1kg
But it might as well have been 1kg such was the mental impact.
The last two weeks have been a struggle.
But I feel like I've come through it and my head doesn't feel as fuzzy.
We shall see.

Week 5

Hmmm.
Has the not posting here been on purpose? In that trying to ignore what I've been doing and how I've been feeling I've therefore been eating?
Filling the void?
Or coping with all.the.crying?
Or the pressure I'm putting on myself about the lack of intimacy between me and Chef at the moment?
All the unspokens that end in the eatens.
It's not that I've been 'bad' or out of control, but I haven't been that 'good' at listening to my body and paying the necessary dues in terms of feeling full, getting so hungry I could gnaw off my own arm.
You know, just the normal 'issues' for the person trying to lose weight over here in the corner.


I'm trying to follow the core plan with Weight Watchers and just feel a bit like I'm free falling.
I think I need to follow their suggested menu plans, just to get a feel for it.

Otherwise I am eating essentially a lot more whole foods - less refined sugar and flours. I love doing this and can feel the effects almost instantly in terms of stamina and energy levels.
I am using a HELL of a lot less oil in my cooking.
I'm back to not eating butter - which I do by not eating toast, because I'm having a bircher muesli or poached egg or weetbix with yoghurt and fruit.

I keep telling myself I'm doing this for the long haul. To establish a better relationship with food, to 'normalise' so this see-saw of weight loss and weight gain ends.

But the competitor in me. The perfectionist. They want to see the rungs on the board. They want big weekly losses. They want the clothes in the wardrobe to fit. Now.

I have weigh in tomorrow and I'm absolutely dreading it.
I suspect I have gained again this week.
So I make myself think it all the way through to the end.
What if I have gained again?
My 'leader' Gayle will give me some tips and strategies to try for the week ahead.
I will still be here.
My family will still love me.
The clothes still won't fit.
So I will have another gain.
And another week will present itself.
For better healthier eating.
For perhaps some more (any!) exercise.
And so it goes.

Weigh In - Week 4

Well it was bound to happen
+0.4kg

I kinda was expecting it.
I changed days as the leader of the group I was attending was shitting me to tears.
The group I'm now going to (on Thursdays) is run by the Leader who ran the meetings I went to when I lost about 14kgs five years ago.
I'm actually OK with it because I know what I did 'wrong' or didn't do:
- exercise
- wasn't tracking
- letting myself get hungry and then gorging rather than listening to my body

My upbeat positivity is surprising even myself.

We shall see how long it lasts.

Week 4, Days 4-7

So this week has been relatively uneventful. Saturday was hard as it was grand final day so there were chips and other assorted things lying around, but apart from that I've been OK.
You watch, I've probably put on this week.

Week 4, Days 1-3

Funny how time flies huh.
This week I've felt a lot calmer with it all.
Like I'm finding that groove.
Enough losses on the board that I feel we're (almost) getting somewhere.
It will be interesting to see if and when last week's emotions replicate themselves and if it is my hormonal cycle returning to some sort of pattern.
I know that when I am getting my period the two days before it I am ravenous. Insatiable.
But I know that last week was largely due to the process and that this weight-loss life-gain process is a long haul one.
I know I will still be writing here in a year and will probably not yet be at my goal weight.
So here I stand. A few good days on the board and feeling ok.
Just OK.
It's tenuous, but better than last weeks panic.

Weigh In - Week 3

-0.7kg

Well after that incredibly grim week, what a result!
I have lost bang on 4kgs.
A woman who started the week I did, C, and I have hit it off and we both had a week of being miserable. And a bad weekend. Her with the booze and me with the tarts.
As she said, "I'm miserable about being fat and miserable about having to think about every mouthful I eat".
I know this time passes.
The one where the goal is so far off it hardly seems worth it.
Where you berate yourself so much the warped logic of being miserable being fat is satiated by eating more.
I know that happens whether I'm 5 kilos from my goal weight or 25.
So I'm just going to clock this one.
It was a bad week with a good outcome.

Week 3, Days 2-5

Oy.
This has been a hard week.
Full of eating. Nay, scoffing chocolate.
Of baking and eating tartlet after tartlet.
And then of feeling an anxiety attack brewing over how many points were in each and every little tartlet.
And berating myself for doing it.
And panicking about how I can undo it.
And thinking maybe I could be a bit bulimic just this week.

So you see.
Despite sometimes having the tools sometimes the worker is just inept at using them.

Week 3, Day 1

So today I made muesli slice and only ate one and a half pieces. Not bad.
I'm feeling dreadful at the moment. Frustrated, angry, oh my the anger, frustration and underlying all of it? A gross sense of impatience and panic. Impatience that this weight loss campaign is going to, due to its mere size, take a long time and panic that I might not be able to see it out and retrain my brain that eating huge amounts of food morning, noon and night is just not sustainable or healthy.
Impatient.
Panicked.
Cranky.

Weigh In - Week 2

-0.5kg

Am pleased but disappointed it wasn't more.
Silly really isn't it - I mean, you hate yourself as you shovel more food in and you're disappointed in yourself when you're doing something about it but the movement isn't big enough.
Idiot.

Week 2, Day 7

Dark day.
Only really? Only because I was so busy I didn't get lunch.
And the only thing worse than an over-stretched sleep-deprived mother? Is an over-stretched sleep-deprived hungry mother.
It was ugly. I was ugly. I ate a lot of pasta at dinner.
But curiously not so much I felt ill.
I ate a lot of chocolate today (Organic Green and Black if that makes it any better) . Interspersed with raspberries. It was delicious and I enjoyed it thoroughly.
And curiously not like a family Cadbury block but more like 50grams, which isn't that much at all.
In comparison to recent chocolate consumption.
I have issues with when this WW meeting is - it's at 12.30 - so you're starving because you haven't eaten anything and not drunk much because there.is.weigh.in. - and bang in the middle of when Jasper would be having a day sleep, like today when Jasper and Grover were both asleep.
There's a meeting at 10.30 on Thursdays and I'm thinking next week I'll just take the monumental step and change days.

Week 2, Day 6

My shrink reminded me of the twenty minute rule of thumb today. And I feel a renewed strength at dealing with food and my associations therewith.
Basically when I feel overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, bored and anything in between I turn to food. And then I hate myself a little bit more, so binge a little harder.
But the 20 minute rule, which I've been applying to my temper (read anger) I had completely forgotten to apply to my food associations.
It works as follows:
- acknowledge the desire to binge/eat a whole packet of chips/biscuits/block of chocolate
- then follow it through to the end
- I'll eat it all
- I'll enjoy it while I eat it
- and I may feel good for a little while
- but then I will be angry at myself, disappointed, and hate myself for it
- so instead I'm going to go for a walk/fold the ironing/hang out some washing/whatever for 20 minutes (by which time the urge would have largely gone)
- then, and only then, if the urge remains I can eat whatever my heart desires.

It sounds complicated? Convoluted? It's not at all. Because otherwise I get into a complete tailspin about denial, guilt, and end up quite loopy. So this little process? This has been the singularly most empowering piece of advice given to me. That basically every human emotion has a 20 minute life span.

Tomorrow, weigh in.

Week 2, Days 3,4 and 5

Well Days 3 and 4 are always going to be hard for me as they are weekends. And weekends for me mean baking. And making proper desserts. And cooking something sumptious for dinner. And I don't care what you say, when you're actually measuring the amount of oil going into something, sumptious is not going to be a word to describe the end product. As it was I made a lamb, roast veg and couscous salad - the lamb left over from a roast mum had cooked. The veggies roasted in a smidge of oil and a dusting of polenta which helped give them more crunch value. Then tossed through couscous with some baby rocket, left over semi-dried tomatoes (and granted their oil) and crumbled over feta. And yes, it was delicious.

As it was, I did get through it although there was pretty grim determination.

What also gets me down during those times is realising just how many calories I was eating in a day and that while I thoroughly enjoyed eating it all at the time it just isn't sustainable. And that makes me sad.

K who left a comment for me over on one of the other blogs (feel free to email me just no comments to avoid the good intentions-poor reception equation that comes from people with no fucking idea) who said keep baking just give it away. And she's right. And it's actually spurred me on with my other plans...

Anyway, today was v. good because I was busy and distracted. Dinner was the lamb salad as I had made enough to feed an army.

I've decided that next week I'm going to follow the WW Core Plan rather than Points. It appeals to me and now that I've almost had two weeks of reigning in the eating the keeping points thing is shitting me.

Week 2, Day 2

A good day albeit one counting my points and counting the hours and counting everything. It was victorious for the fact I didn't really feel like cake so didn't eat any. But it taunted me all day.

Week 2, Day 1

Bad day.
Made a cake.
Ate A LOT of it.
Still tallied points and may have snuck it in, but only just.

And the reality of my life begins to rear its head - how does someone who loves to bake lose weight at the same time.

Sigh.

Weigh In - Week 1

-2.8kg

I had 50g of chips to celebrate.
Which is stupid I know.
But shut up.
They tasted divine.

I am more relieved with this loss than happy or excited. Relieved that the weight I was, which was horrifying me, is no longer.

Day 7

An OK day considering how tired I was.
Funny isn't it. I felt so tired I just wanted to eat.
Bad habit.
I took the boys and dogs for another walk today which was good because I was seriously in the category of a bear with a sore head.
It didn't actually do much to improve it either, but we were out of the house for an hour and a half.
Dinner was poached eggs on toast with fingers of leftover corned beef. Veggies were just too hard to even consider.
Then I fell asleep on the lounge. Which probably saved me from binge eating big time.
Which is a real blessing as my first weigh-in is tomorrow.

Day 6

So today presented the first challenge for me in the whole WW lurrrrve of all things Carnation Skim Evaporated Milk.
I think WW is on the right track in that it fundamentally teaches you that everything you put in your body, counts and that basically it comes down to deciding if you're going to predominantly fill it with foods that are good for it or foods that aren't.
And then our paths diverge.
You see, if I feel like chocolate cake, I'm going to eat a proper, decent, home made piece of chocolate cake. Not a plastic little bar of something that might feature cocoa about five things down the list of ingredients and tapioca thickener in there somewhere as well.
If I'm going to make corned beef then if I want to serve it with white sauce, it will be a proper white sauce made with butter, flour, milk a hint of mustard and parsley. I will be sensible and make it with skim milk and I will only have a tablespoon or two of it rather than half a cup... or more.
I will not, will not, heat skim evaporated milk and add a cornflour slurry to thicken it to resemble white sauce.
Blah followed by gah.
Similarly, if I'm making something which would normally involve coconut milk, I will not be swapping that for skim evaporated milk and coconut essence.
BLAH GAH.

So tonight I made fantastic corned beef and served it with mashed potato (and a few carrots thrown in there for good measure - which I made with skim milk), cabbage (cooked in water of the corned beef) and broccoli. With parsley sauce.

Things to think about when I feel the road ahead is too long, too hard and too everything...
- back fat
- thigh chaffing
- finding it hard to cross my legs

And things to look forward to...
- energy
- feeling my collarbones, hip bones and my ribs on my back
- more of my wardrobe fitting

Day 4-5

Weekends are challenging. Always were and I suspect always will be. It's the lack of structure that just lends me to eating away hours. Literally.
I did pretty well this weekend, as you'd expect seeing as it was the first one...
Today was more of a challenge what with making breakfasts involving maple butter, but I did it and while it's hard to gauge points today believe I came in under the allocation.
I'd jog it in but Idol's on.

Day 3

I technically have 30 points to play with - basically because I'm so FUCKING huge and also that I'm breastfeeding.

But seriously people, getting to thirty points is actually quite hard for me once I'm back on track with my eating. I eat a lot of whole foods and therefore a lot of zero point foods as well.

Today I'm sitting on around 20 points and I didn't feel ravenous at all. I realise once I'm back in the land of the not morbidly obese and only have 20 points to play with I will feel mighty cheated so I'm just kinda basking in the glow of it all on the huge achievement of three days of not eating myself into oblivion.

For me, that is the biggest bonus of doing something like WW. That feeling of being back in control of my eating is just such a weight (<--hahahahaha geddit) off my mind. The fact I did WW five years ago means many of the good habits are just falling back into place, which is kind of nice as well.

But today I couldn't get this memory out of my head. When I was in Year 10 I went to WW because I was a whole 8 kilos outside the weight range for my height. It might well have been the thirty such was the guilt and grief and maternal horror about it.

Anyway, there was this even younger girl there with her hideous over bearing mother who, infront of the whole room, said there was no way her daughter could possibly eat this much and lose weight. That incident often comes back into my head and I wonder where that girl is now and if she still fights with food.

There is so much I could say about the impact my family had on me, my self esteem and my relationship with food. But I'm a big girl now and the years of therapy have largely worked through all of that, so this is now a journey of choices and living with the ones I make or have made.

Day 2

I'm still smarting about how much I weigh and how I let myself get to this weight ever again. But I have.
So this morning I did 20 minutes of my ball and band dvd because Grover is in the midst of being Captain Cranky McFarty Pants and inbetween bottom explosions, screaming and feeding and getting out to get my haircut that was all the time I had.
So lunch didn't happen as the haircut was at 11.30 and I'd only had breakfast at about 8.30 and from the hairdresser I had to stop at Chef's work, get Jasper's car seat, get it in the car, go into the city to pick up Jasper then get back out to Mona Vale to pick up Felix and then on to Narrabeen to get Oscar.
So I ate four WW choc cherry bars. Six points. Technically lunch. Reality bad.
Nice.
But I did exercise, I did stay within my points allocation, it is all coming flooding back to me about portion sizes and just how much I can eat if I'm not moving, and I did some exercise.

Onward.

Day 1

I am staggered, gob-smacked and completely overwhelmed by how much I weigh. It almost feels insurmountable. Part of me just wants to curl up in a ball, on the lounge, with the remote and a bar of chocolate. Thank goodness it's only the third, smaller roll of fat around my middle wanting to do it. The rest of me - bingo wings and all - are ready for the challenge, the highs, the lows and the constant vigilance that is me and food.

Day 1.