Hmmm.
Has the not posting here been on purpose? In that trying to ignore what I've been doing and how I've been feeling I've therefore been eating?
Filling the void?
Or coping with all.the.crying?
Or the pressure I'm putting on myself about the lack of intimacy between me and Chef at the moment?
All the unspokens that end in the eatens.
It's not that I've been 'bad' or out of control, but I haven't been that 'good' at listening to my body and paying the necessary dues in terms of feeling full, getting so hungry I could gnaw off my own arm.
You know, just the normal 'issues' for the person trying to lose weight over here in the corner.
I'm trying to follow the core plan with Weight Watchers and just feel a bit like I'm free falling.
I think I need to follow their suggested menu plans, just to get a feel for it.
Otherwise I am eating essentially a lot more whole foods - less refined sugar and flours. I love doing this and can feel the effects almost instantly in terms of stamina and energy levels.
I am using a HELL of a lot less oil in my cooking.
I'm back to not eating butter - which I do by not eating toast, because I'm having a bircher muesli or poached egg or weetbix with yoghurt and fruit.
I keep telling myself I'm doing this for the long haul. To establish a better relationship with food, to 'normalise' so this see-saw of weight loss and weight gain ends.
But the competitor in me. The perfectionist. They want to see the rungs on the board. They want big weekly losses. They want the clothes in the wardrobe to fit. Now.
I have weigh in tomorrow and I'm absolutely dreading it.
I suspect I have gained again this week.
So I make myself think it all the way through to the end.
What if I have gained again?
My 'leader' Gayle will give me some tips and strategies to try for the week ahead.
I will still be here.
My family will still love me.
The clothes still won't fit.
So I will have another gain.
And another week will present itself.
For better healthier eating.
For perhaps some more (any!) exercise.
And so it goes.
