Week 13, Day 1

Breakfast:
natural yoghurt with stewed rhubarb

Lunch:
Lentil burger w/ rocket and cherry tomoatoes

Snacks:
4 cruskits
1 plum
4 passionfruit

Exercise:
1 massive walk going about half way around Narrabeen Lake and back - I think we were gone for about 1.5 hours, maybe 1hr 20?

Weigh In - Week 13

- 1.5kg

What the!?!

It is a mystery. A mystery.
I mean, I have weeks when I am so very very good and I lose 100g and then weeks like the one past when I don't eat well and indeed eat four brownies in one day and I lose 1.5kgs.
Who knows...

Week 12, Day 7

My relationship with food and my body is absolutely, totally fucked.
The end.

Seriously.

I have eaten incredibly badly this last week - and not bad as in a lot or junk food or anything like that, just really bad - like the row of brownies I ate today. Four squares.
And then the guilt I lay on about eating them.
So I don't even enjoy them in the eating.
And then I start thinking about making myself vomit them up.
And have a whole internal dialogue about how that is not a choice.
That is officially a complete cluster-fuck.


I started out today with some low-fat Greek yoghurt and stewed rhubarb and put on daggy gear to go walking in after dropping the boys at school.
But then had to feed Grover first, then deal with Jasper's mega tantrum of the day, and hang out some washing.
By then it was close to nap time and I didn't want Jasper just napping in the stroller so told myself to do a gym workout video when they were asleep.
Instead I fell asleep for half an hour when I put him down and then got up and ate two brownies. Then about 20 Jatz crackers as the packet was open and on the bench and well, they were 'there'.
So I didn't eat lunch because I figured that Jatz crackers and two brownies were damage enough.
And then somewhere between them waking up, hanging out washing and having to pick boys up from school I ate another two brownies.

My mental state at the moment is being so determined by all this.
I see my reflection and wince.
But still I make a choice to eat badly. To binge. Then beat myself up about it.
I continually do a Dr Phil on myself but to no avail.

I mean, investing in this behaviour is rewarding me how?

Week 12, Day 3

Am in jeans.
Non-pregnancy jeans.
Which I don't think I got back into after Jasper.
But maybe I did.
For a little while.

Breakthrough.

Weigh In - Week 12

- 1.6kg

Nothing like an anxiety-attack-laden depressive episode to kick the weight-loss back into gear.
Actually I think I've had a gastro bug of some sort as I really haven't eaten much since early this week.
My head is not in a good place and it's largely due to being back here battling my weight and facing the issues and reality around why I eat what I eat and so on.

Week 11

I'm having a hard time of it at the moment. Back (Still?) in that land of being so depressed about my weight and how I look and so angry that I can't cook and bake whatever I feel like and eat it with gay abandon.

Anger. That is a real mainstay of my mindset at the moment. So angry about so much and I just can't seem to shake it. Oh don't worry, I am doing the most impressive cognitive therapy on myself but still I just rage it out. Eugh.

I just do NOT want to be in the 90s. So stop baking for a few weeks just to get over that hurdle. But I don't want to stop baking and cooking delicious things to eat. Well then accept you will probably never be 68kgs. But I can't accept that. Well get.over.it. Suck.it.up. Get moving. Stop eating.

And on and on and on it goes.

Weigh In - Week 11

No change.
Which, considering the porkfest is quite a remarkable thing.
That said, I did a LOT more exercise this week - a massive walk one day, half an hour with ball and band another, an hour aerobic workout on one day and the purchase and moving of 250kg of sandpit sand.
And with that, I feel lighter. Stiff but lighter.


I know I'm not putting my whole heart into this at the moment.
And then bitching about it.
So I'm just going to suck it up and try harder this week.

Goals

I haven't written this post down because it means I have to tell you all what I weigh.
And I know for a fact that some of you who read this weigh almost half of what I weigh and well, that just makes me feel really embarrassed and repulsive.
But I think it's important for me in being accountable for what I'm eating, for taking care of this body, for losing the excess weight and gaining the lifestyle and good health I want.

Today I weigh 93.3kgs
When I started I weighed 97.6kgs
I am 1.67m tall
My goal weight range is 71-56kgs.
I dream of weighing 60kgs. (I weighed 61kgs in 1984 when I was 13 and in 6th grade. I was probably just a few cms shy of how tall I am now. I know I weighed that as it was a public weigh-in during PE at school and there was an audible gasp from the other girls in my class.)
My dream goal weight is 65kgs.
My realistic goal weight is 68kgs.

My first goal is to lose 5kgs by next Thursday, 15 November.

I want to be under 90kgs by Christmas.
That is a loss of at least 3.3kgs in 6 weeks.

Then my 10% goal - 87.8
Then to be under 85kg by 4 February (when I return to work from maternity leave)

Then my next 10% goal - 79kg
Then under 75kg
Then my next 10% goal - 71kg
Then to be under 70kg
Then goal.

I think my goals for weight loss by return to work are ambitious (particularly considering my birthday, Christmas, New Years and Australia Day are in there) and I'm not convinced I have the willpower to do it. But then I beat myself up that if I really wanted it I would work hard for it.

But I also know me.
I know that I love food and I love to bake and I love to eat.
And that weight loss for weight loss's sake is not worth it.
Because it all just comes back tenfold.
I need to do this in a way that is sustainable.
I like chocolate. I adore cake. I love a drink. An antipasto plate is a beautiful thing.
I am not going to be the person who nibbles on a carrot stick all the while wanting to bury her head in the blue cheese.

This is going to take some time.

Weigh In - Week 10

+0.1kg

So I had wanted to lost 5kgs in 10 weeks.
I've lost 4.3kgs.
This week I had set myself the goal of losing 0.6kgs to reach that goal.
Instead I sabotaged myself at virtually every opportunity.
I only did one lot of exercise. No walks. No exercise DVDs. No gym.
IDIOT.

This week I've swapped from doing WW in the prepaid 10 weeks block and gone to WW unlimited with the online access etc. (I tried to do this at the start but didn't have a credit card, now we have a debit Visa so I could) I think that perhaps having the message boards with others will help me stay on track and be accountable.
Already this from Shaz in Adelaide has got into my head and given me renewed commitment.

Week 9, Days 4-6

Oy.
This week has been hard hard hard.
My Ode to Nigella is taking its toll.
I feel like giving up and just eating eating eating.
And sitting on my arse.
But I won't.
But I'm getting tired of the seesaw - lose one week, gain the next, lose, gain, beat self up and repeat.
I feel like I need to come over all Mr T with myself - you know, 'quit your jibberjabber' and deal.with.it.
I just don't wanna.

Week 9, Day 3

Breakfast/Lunch - two Whisk&Pin muesli cookies, half a Portuguese custard tart
Afternoon tea - slice of amazing goats cheese and a citron tart.
Dinner - pumpkin and pinenut quiche

Hardly a great day in terms of calory intake, but a wonderful day of flavours and fresh produce.

Week 9, Days 1-2

So I've had a slight slide with the whole don't eat to celebrate weight loss rule.

Yesterday day was OK, last night was a disaster. I put it down to pure exhaustion.
We had take away pizza.
Granted, the pizzas are fantastic from where we get them from - a great little joint in Collaroy called Alimento - but not at the amount I gorged myself on last night. GORGED.

I had some spaghetti marinara - lovely and not just made with that hideous creation entitled 'seafood mix'. Shudder.
But then there was the calzone to try - again, delicious with ricotta, basil, olive tapenade and capsicums.
And then slice... or three... of the other pizzas we got.
Ridiculous.

And then there has been today.
So far.
I had the remaining piece of calzone for breakfast.
Then two pieces of Chef's request - which would have been fine what for the pepperoni.
Then a few teaspoons of nutella.

Now, having just confessed that I realise it isn't that bad and to stop. NOW.

I did half an hour with my 'ball and band' DVD this morning which has made me feel really good.

Bake on track now.
5 kilos in 10 weeks is the first of my goals.
0.6kgs to lose this week to reach that goal.

DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.
DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.
DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.

Thank you for listening.

Weigh In - Week 8

-0.9kgs

YEY!

I was really pleased. I did more exercise this week, I kept a food diary here which really helped make me accountable (even if the wheels fell of it slightly as my week was manic this week) and just felt more in control.

This has actually meant my initial small goal of 5kgs in 10 weeks is on track. If I lose 0.6kg this week then I've done it. Something I will be very stoked about indeed.