Boombafug

What can I tell you, I'm feeling mighty fugly this week.
I didn't get up yesterday or today for a walk but I did the school walk yesterday arvo and this morning (Monday mornings are speech morning for Oscar so I was car-bound)
I ate about 3 kilos of potato salad at my BIL's 40th on Saturday. I was so full I had to undo my skirt. Which was tight already. Which I had bought when I lost the 10kgs last year before going back to work.
I feel like just sitting down with a ginormous bag of chips and wallowing.
But then I tell myself, this was never going to be a quick fix.
This was about feeling good about myself and sitting down with those chips will not result in me being wrapped in a glorious swathe of self love.
This is about being fit and healthy for my kids ... and me.
This is about me feeling sexy and a woman.

So the mind, it does dangerous things doesn't it.

I want to pack it all in today and just forget about it.
But then I will still be lugging around 18 kilos too many.
I will still be out of breathe at the smallest incline.
I will still avoid physical activity at the merest whiff of it.

And that is not who I want to be.

I am reminding myself about my goal - to be looking fabulous in a new frock at the wedding of some very chic friends next February.

Which is funny because the bad brain is saying to me, why bother, you're never going to get there by then.

But you know, even if I'm 10 kgs lighter by then I know I'll look a hell of a lot better and feel good about myself while also having a lot more options when it comes to finding an outfit.

See. This is what goes on in my brain every single day.

No wonder I'm a nutbag.


*UPDATE AT 2PM*
So, I've managed to get to 2pm w/out eating chocolate, chips or some other crapola. Am proud of myself in that gritted teeth resignation to the pain kind of way.

bleugh

In other news... the last 2.5 days have been what can only be termed a binge. Damn you period. I mean, sure, there were people over and I cooked yummy things but it has been a while since I've been in that place where you keep eating even though you feel ill you're so full.

I'm not weighing myself tomorrow because I know it will not end well.

Instead, I am back to keeping a food diary and having a day (today) where I just try and give my body the chance to digest what its consumed in the last two days.

The psychology of eating

My shrink has just semi-retired/career-changed and after probably somewhere in the vicinity of 40 years as a psychiatrist he said that he was still no closer to understanding why some people have 'issues' with food and others don't.

But for me, in these early stages of - once again - having to lose weight I feel like a true addict. Each day that passes without me having shovelled more into my mouth than I needed or making food choices that are only going to end badly I psychologically punch the air in victory.

I imagine this is how a gambling addict must feel each and every time they walk past a TAB.
Or an alcoholic walking past the bottle-o.

It is a strange victory, one laden with exhausted resignation.

And so here I stand, another day to get through.

Breakfast:
bowl of porridge w/ stewed rhubarb and pomegranate
Morning tea:
cape seed roll, 1 mango
Lunch:
cape seed roll w/ ham, tomato and rocket
Arvo tea:
small piece of banana parkin
Dinner:
small serve of spaghetti w/ sauteeds broccoli, asparagus and cherry tomatoes

Week 3 or somesuch...

oh I'm having a shocker people.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday seemed to be the triathalon event of just how much I could eat even though I wasn't hungry and wasn't really enjoying it. Seriously.

No idea why. Self sabotage? My period due? Who the hell knows. I think I averaged about 40 points on Sat and Sunday. Each.

Today has been a moderate improvement.

I would like to lose 5kgs in the next 7 weeks - in time for Christmas.
When that came into my head (I know Kill had been talking about losing 5 for Christmas) I felt a renewed sense of focus.

Hopefully it will help. I certainly know I will be back in the 87 zone this week.

Awwwcrap

So I did a pre-weigh-in day weigh-in.

Apparently I've GAINED 1.3kgs this week.

CRAP.

Back v.2.545

So how many times have we been here? Unhappy in appearance but still shovelling food in and not moving my sorry arse?

For the last few months Chef and I have been losing weight together. This has involved him losing 12.5kgs and me gaining 3. Nice. The upside has been a return to the gym, although that has fallen by the wayside in the last month due to everyone being sick, the end of term and school holidays.

So here I stand. Fat and sick of it.

So we're going to try something different - not in terms of weightloss because I know exactly what is required - eat less, move more - but here, in the land of Boombalardy.

I'm going to be joined by Kill - my best friend through thick and thin. We're both at a place with our bodies we would rather not be. We've both been 'thin' in terms of within the weight range for our height - but have slipped away from it back to the land of multiple stomachs, chins and back boobs.

Sometimes it's because life has dealt us a hand of cards too stressful and upsetting to stomach without a gutful of salt and vinegar chips or a family block of chocolate or a bowlful of icecream. Sometimes because a situation seems to have no solution let alone an end in sight of any sort.

So we're going to do this together - the good days and bad - the losses and the gains.

Wednesdays are weigh-in day.

A new start.
Again.

Kim: 87.6kgs.

Update

Appalling.
February.
Blew Chunks.
Which made me say something like the following:
"Food for fuel not comfort MY ARSE"
or
"Nothing tastes as good as being thin and fit feels GET BENT"
Followed by an enormous consumption of chocolate
Not seen since about 2003.

Going back to work = not being able to get to my WW meeting anymore.
The only one that fits is a Wednesday night and that, my friends, on a day I am at work is in the too hard basket.
So what to do what to do.
Because I need to get to 65 kilos sometime before 2010.
Just because.

So the plan while I find a WW meeting I can get to
(because clearly yes I do need the threat of a public weigh-in gain to keep me on track)
is to write a food journal.
And to write it here
because the three of you that seem to check in here every day?
I know how scintillating you will find it.

Yesterday:
Breakfast - bowl of Special K with low fat yoghurt and skim milk
Lunch - toast with homemade jam (yes I need to do a grocery shop)
Dinner - corned beef w/ three veg mash (made w/ skim milk, no butter) and white sauce (made w/ skim milk) and broccoli
Water - 3 x 600ml bottles

Today:
Breakfast - bowl of Special K with low fat yoghurt and skim milk
Lunch - bowl of vegetable noodle soup w/ rice vermicelli noodles
Dinner - homemade pizza w/ onion, mushroom, little bit of ham and low fat ricotta (YUM)
Water - 3 x 600ml
4 squares Lindt cherry intense dark chocolate

I know, the excitement is breathtaking.

And in another new leaf, I'm opening up comments over here.
Be.Nice.
No Assvice please.

Week 12, Day 7

My relationship with food and my body is absolutely, totally fucked.
The end.

Seriously.

I have eaten incredibly badly this last week - and not bad as in a lot or junk food or anything like that, just really bad - like the row of brownies I ate today. Four squares.
And then the guilt I lay on about eating them.
So I don't even enjoy them in the eating.
And then I start thinking about making myself vomit them up.
And have a whole internal dialogue about how that is not a choice.
That is officially a complete cluster-fuck.


I started out today with some low-fat Greek yoghurt and stewed rhubarb and put on daggy gear to go walking in after dropping the boys at school.
But then had to feed Grover first, then deal with Jasper's mega tantrum of the day, and hang out some washing.
By then it was close to nap time and I didn't want Jasper just napping in the stroller so told myself to do a gym workout video when they were asleep.
Instead I fell asleep for half an hour when I put him down and then got up and ate two brownies. Then about 20 Jatz crackers as the packet was open and on the bench and well, they were 'there'.
So I didn't eat lunch because I figured that Jatz crackers and two brownies were damage enough.
And then somewhere between them waking up, hanging out washing and having to pick boys up from school I ate another two brownies.

My mental state at the moment is being so determined by all this.
I see my reflection and wince.
But still I make a choice to eat badly. To binge. Then beat myself up about it.
I continually do a Dr Phil on myself but to no avail.

I mean, investing in this behaviour is rewarding me how?

Week 11

I'm having a hard time of it at the moment. Back (Still?) in that land of being so depressed about my weight and how I look and so angry that I can't cook and bake whatever I feel like and eat it with gay abandon.

Anger. That is a real mainstay of my mindset at the moment. So angry about so much and I just can't seem to shake it. Oh don't worry, I am doing the most impressive cognitive therapy on myself but still I just rage it out. Eugh.

I just do NOT want to be in the 90s. So stop baking for a few weeks just to get over that hurdle. But I don't want to stop baking and cooking delicious things to eat. Well then accept you will probably never be 68kgs. But I can't accept that. Well get.over.it. Suck.it.up. Get moving. Stop eating.

And on and on and on it goes.

Weigh In - Week 10

+0.1kg

So I had wanted to lost 5kgs in 10 weeks.
I've lost 4.3kgs.
This week I had set myself the goal of losing 0.6kgs to reach that goal.
Instead I sabotaged myself at virtually every opportunity.
I only did one lot of exercise. No walks. No exercise DVDs. No gym.
IDIOT.

This week I've swapped from doing WW in the prepaid 10 weeks block and gone to WW unlimited with the online access etc. (I tried to do this at the start but didn't have a credit card, now we have a debit Visa so I could) I think that perhaps having the message boards with others will help me stay on track and be accountable.
Already this from Shaz in Adelaide has got into my head and given me renewed commitment.

Week 9, Days 4-6

Oy.
This week has been hard hard hard.
My Ode to Nigella is taking its toll.
I feel like giving up and just eating eating eating.
And sitting on my arse.
But I won't.
But I'm getting tired of the seesaw - lose one week, gain the next, lose, gain, beat self up and repeat.
I feel like I need to come over all Mr T with myself - you know, 'quit your jibberjabber' and deal.with.it.
I just don't wanna.

Week 9, Days 1-2

So I've had a slight slide with the whole don't eat to celebrate weight loss rule.

Yesterday day was OK, last night was a disaster. I put it down to pure exhaustion.
We had take away pizza.
Granted, the pizzas are fantastic from where we get them from - a great little joint in Collaroy called Alimento - but not at the amount I gorged myself on last night. GORGED.

I had some spaghetti marinara - lovely and not just made with that hideous creation entitled 'seafood mix'. Shudder.
But then there was the calzone to try - again, delicious with ricotta, basil, olive tapenade and capsicums.
And then slice... or three... of the other pizzas we got.
Ridiculous.

And then there has been today.
So far.
I had the remaining piece of calzone for breakfast.
Then two pieces of Chef's request - which would have been fine what for the pepperoni.
Then a few teaspoons of nutella.

Now, having just confessed that I realise it isn't that bad and to stop. NOW.

I did half an hour with my 'ball and band' DVD this morning which has made me feel really good.

Bake on track now.
5 kilos in 10 weeks is the first of my goals.
0.6kgs to lose this week to reach that goal.

DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.
DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.
DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.

Thank you for listening.

Weigh In - Week 7

Well, I warned you.
+0.7kgs.
I suppose it was all those chocolate finger biscuits dipped in blue icing.
Or the slices of streusel cake.
Or the multitude of scones. With jam. And cream.

But good must come from bad.

It got me back to the gym on Wednesday night.
And I almost enjoyed it.
I could still (just) balance on the exercise ball up on my knees. Not bad eh. Considering I hadn't been since February 2006.
It was also, on a scale, nowhere near as 'bad' as what I was eating almost every day little over seven weeks ago.
My fat intake has probably dropped by 95 per cent.
My junk food intake has essentially ceased.
The empty calories of juice and the sneaking growth of the amount of soft drink I was consuming have both ceased.
We would eat pasta maybe one night a week now. It was 3 or four.
There are lentils on the menu.
And loads of veggies and salad.
Fish is now at least once a week.
And every day I tell myself this road I am on now, will have peaks and valleys.
As it is my life.
And there is a lot of work to be done on how I use food.
For when I am sad, stressed, happy and virtually any other emotion at the end of the emotional spectrum I use food as my buffer.
For everything in between I use food.
I think that by baking for others they'll like me more. I think making lovely things for the boys will make me a better mother. In their eyes.
When simply being me does that each and every day.
But without food I feel stripped bare. Like 'what have I got to fall back on/hide behind/deflect the attention'.

So this week was a valley in terms of my weight going down. But it was a peak in terms of my third child turning two and him having a family around him who love him to bits and who light up his life as much as he shines a thousand golden orbs of light into ours.
And that is what I shall remember.

Week 3, Days 2-5

Oy.
This has been a hard week.
Full of eating. Nay, scoffing chocolate.
Of baking and eating tartlet after tartlet.
And then of feeling an anxiety attack brewing over how many points were in each and every little tartlet.
And berating myself for doing it.
And panicking about how I can undo it.
And thinking maybe I could be a bit bulimic just this week.

So you see.
Despite sometimes having the tools sometimes the worker is just inept at using them.

Week 2, Day 6

My shrink reminded me of the twenty minute rule of thumb today. And I feel a renewed strength at dealing with food and my associations therewith.
Basically when I feel overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, bored and anything in between I turn to food. And then I hate myself a little bit more, so binge a little harder.
But the 20 minute rule, which I've been applying to my temper (read anger) I had completely forgotten to apply to my food associations.
It works as follows:
- acknowledge the desire to binge/eat a whole packet of chips/biscuits/block of chocolate
- then follow it through to the end
- I'll eat it all
- I'll enjoy it while I eat it
- and I may feel good for a little while
- but then I will be angry at myself, disappointed, and hate myself for it
- so instead I'm going to go for a walk/fold the ironing/hang out some washing/whatever for 20 minutes (by which time the urge would have largely gone)
- then, and only then, if the urge remains I can eat whatever my heart desires.

It sounds complicated? Convoluted? It's not at all. Because otherwise I get into a complete tailspin about denial, guilt, and end up quite loopy. So this little process? This has been the singularly most empowering piece of advice given to me. That basically every human emotion has a 20 minute life span.

Tomorrow, weigh in.

Week 2, Days 3,4 and 5

Well Days 3 and 4 are always going to be hard for me as they are weekends. And weekends for me mean baking. And making proper desserts. And cooking something sumptious for dinner. And I don't care what you say, when you're actually measuring the amount of oil going into something, sumptious is not going to be a word to describe the end product. As it was I made a lamb, roast veg and couscous salad - the lamb left over from a roast mum had cooked. The veggies roasted in a smidge of oil and a dusting of polenta which helped give them more crunch value. Then tossed through couscous with some baby rocket, left over semi-dried tomatoes (and granted their oil) and crumbled over feta. And yes, it was delicious.

As it was, I did get through it although there was pretty grim determination.

What also gets me down during those times is realising just how many calories I was eating in a day and that while I thoroughly enjoyed eating it all at the time it just isn't sustainable. And that makes me sad.

K who left a comment for me over on one of the other blogs (feel free to email me just no comments to avoid the good intentions-poor reception equation that comes from people with no fucking idea) who said keep baking just give it away. And she's right. And it's actually spurred me on with my other plans...

Anyway, today was v. good because I was busy and distracted. Dinner was the lamb salad as I had made enough to feed an army.

I've decided that next week I'm going to follow the WW Core Plan rather than Points. It appeals to me and now that I've almost had two weeks of reigning in the eating the keeping points thing is shitting me.

Week 2, Day 2

A good day albeit one counting my points and counting the hours and counting everything. It was victorious for the fact I didn't really feel like cake so didn't eat any. But it taunted me all day.

Week 2, Day 1

Bad day.
Made a cake.
Ate A LOT of it.
Still tallied points and may have snuck it in, but only just.

And the reality of my life begins to rear its head - how does someone who loves to bake lose weight at the same time.

Sigh.