Still going

So this is week 4 of term 1 and for two of those (the first one was MasterChef week and another one was a wash-out) we have been walking to and from school.

I seriously don't think I have been this chronically sweaty ever. EVER!

I drop boys off in a ball of sweat, I get home dripping, I pick them up with sweat running down my arse-crack and get home with chaffing.

I've gotten up early twice in the last 5 days and gone for a 5km walk.

Here are things I've noticed - even though the exercise thing is exhausting it is good exhausting. Sure, I could (and do) have little nana naps but it makes me keep doing more - so yesterday I went for a walk early, mowed the lawns, cleaned out the drain in our back yard, walked down to pick the boys up while also doing a few loads of washing and preparing dinner.

Also - if I've exercised I eat better.
I sleep better.
I have less anxiety about eating in general.

I have to keep this up.

I jumped on the scales this morning - I've lost another half a kilo.

88.8kg

The weekend

Wow, not a bad weekend at all - it's like I had to have an out-of-control one like last week. Today was a bit weird because I got up late so breakfast didn't happen - but when I was at the shops buying stuff for lunch and the week ahead I didn't get any crap to fill me up.

I'm quite proud of myself.

The psychology of eating

My shrink has just semi-retired/career-changed and after probably somewhere in the vicinity of 40 years as a psychiatrist he said that he was still no closer to understanding why some people have 'issues' with food and others don't.

But for me, in these early stages of - once again - having to lose weight I feel like a true addict. Each day that passes without me having shovelled more into my mouth than I needed or making food choices that are only going to end badly I psychologically punch the air in victory.

I imagine this is how a gambling addict must feel each and every time they walk past a TAB.
Or an alcoholic walking past the bottle-o.

It is a strange victory, one laden with exhausted resignation.

And so here I stand, another day to get through.

Breakfast:
bowl of porridge w/ stewed rhubarb and pomegranate
Morning tea:
cape seed roll, 1 mango
Lunch:
cape seed roll w/ ham, tomato and rocket
Arvo tea:
small piece of banana parkin
Dinner:
small serve of spaghetti w/ sauteeds broccoli, asparagus and cherry tomatoes

Week 8, Day 2

Breakfast:
1 slice fruit toast w/ ricotta, honey and cinnamon
cup of tea

Lunch:
Left over homemade pizza
Small bowl leftover low-fat risotto

Afternoon tea:
home made choc chip oatmeal biccie
1 frosty fruit ice block

Dinner:
bbq chicken and salad

water 2 litres
Exercise: walk for about 45mins w/ big hills (from home, up round Warriewood headland, stopped at park for about 15, home) pushing double stroller

Week 2, Day 6

My shrink reminded me of the twenty minute rule of thumb today. And I feel a renewed strength at dealing with food and my associations therewith.
Basically when I feel overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, bored and anything in between I turn to food. And then I hate myself a little bit more, so binge a little harder.
But the 20 minute rule, which I've been applying to my temper (read anger) I had completely forgotten to apply to my food associations.
It works as follows:
- acknowledge the desire to binge/eat a whole packet of chips/biscuits/block of chocolate
- then follow it through to the end
- I'll eat it all
- I'll enjoy it while I eat it
- and I may feel good for a little while
- but then I will be angry at myself, disappointed, and hate myself for it
- so instead I'm going to go for a walk/fold the ironing/hang out some washing/whatever for 20 minutes (by which time the urge would have largely gone)
- then, and only then, if the urge remains I can eat whatever my heart desires.

It sounds complicated? Convoluted? It's not at all. Because otherwise I get into a complete tailspin about denial, guilt, and end up quite loopy. So this little process? This has been the singularly most empowering piece of advice given to me. That basically every human emotion has a 20 minute life span.

Tomorrow, weigh in.

Week 2, Days 3,4 and 5

Well Days 3 and 4 are always going to be hard for me as they are weekends. And weekends for me mean baking. And making proper desserts. And cooking something sumptious for dinner. And I don't care what you say, when you're actually measuring the amount of oil going into something, sumptious is not going to be a word to describe the end product. As it was I made a lamb, roast veg and couscous salad - the lamb left over from a roast mum had cooked. The veggies roasted in a smidge of oil and a dusting of polenta which helped give them more crunch value. Then tossed through couscous with some baby rocket, left over semi-dried tomatoes (and granted their oil) and crumbled over feta. And yes, it was delicious.

As it was, I did get through it although there was pretty grim determination.

What also gets me down during those times is realising just how many calories I was eating in a day and that while I thoroughly enjoyed eating it all at the time it just isn't sustainable. And that makes me sad.

K who left a comment for me over on one of the other blogs (feel free to email me just no comments to avoid the good intentions-poor reception equation that comes from people with no fucking idea) who said keep baking just give it away. And she's right. And it's actually spurred me on with my other plans...

Anyway, today was v. good because I was busy and distracted. Dinner was the lamb salad as I had made enough to feed an army.

I've decided that next week I'm going to follow the WW Core Plan rather than Points. It appeals to me and now that I've almost had two weeks of reigning in the eating the keeping points thing is shitting me.

Day 6

So today presented the first challenge for me in the whole WW lurrrrve of all things Carnation Skim Evaporated Milk.
I think WW is on the right track in that it fundamentally teaches you that everything you put in your body, counts and that basically it comes down to deciding if you're going to predominantly fill it with foods that are good for it or foods that aren't.
And then our paths diverge.
You see, if I feel like chocolate cake, I'm going to eat a proper, decent, home made piece of chocolate cake. Not a plastic little bar of something that might feature cocoa about five things down the list of ingredients and tapioca thickener in there somewhere as well.
If I'm going to make corned beef then if I want to serve it with white sauce, it will be a proper white sauce made with butter, flour, milk a hint of mustard and parsley. I will be sensible and make it with skim milk and I will only have a tablespoon or two of it rather than half a cup... or more.
I will not, will not, heat skim evaporated milk and add a cornflour slurry to thicken it to resemble white sauce.
Blah followed by gah.
Similarly, if I'm making something which would normally involve coconut milk, I will not be swapping that for skim evaporated milk and coconut essence.
BLAH GAH.

So tonight I made fantastic corned beef and served it with mashed potato (and a few carrots thrown in there for good measure - which I made with skim milk), cabbage (cooked in water of the corned beef) and broccoli. With parsley sauce.

Things to think about when I feel the road ahead is too long, too hard and too everything...
- back fat
- thigh chaffing
- finding it hard to cross my legs

And things to look forward to...
- energy
- feeling my collarbones, hip bones and my ribs on my back
- more of my wardrobe fitting