Well hello there

I've just returned from my monthly check-in with my psychiatrist. We talked a lot about my weight. About how I need to lose 15kgs to be back in a land where I feel good about myself, look good and am far healthier than I am now.

This year has been all about the weight loss so naturally I have put on about 4 kilos.

I'm now the heaviest I've been since 2007, post Grover pregnancy.

My fat girl clothes are not fitting.

I am panicked, PANICKED, about my weight.

Which of course is the worst thing to be because you look on yourself with loathing and the future with fear.  Fear of losing the weight but then finding you are not losing the weight. And then your mind becomes a mine field of what ifs. What if this is how I will look for the rest of my life? What if I never lose all this belly fat? What if I develop diabetes? What if  What if What if.

It's so freakin' unhealthy.

So my shrink, M, gave me a new strategy today. For the first time in my weight loss obsessive life I am not focusing on the end point. I am not focusing on the weight. Instead, I'm going to focus on two things:
1. Activity
2. Portion

1. Activity
I have to schedule physical activity. Diarise it. If I miss the 'appointment' I have to put a big red cross through it. If I make the 'appointment' then I put a big green tick through it.
It does not have to be every day.
But I have to schedule it and keep the times firm in my diary.

2. Portion
A return to eating sensible sized portions of whatever I'm eating.
Again, it doesn't have to be every day - we're aiming for 5/6 days out of 7.

I am not to set foot near scales for at least six weeks. If and only IF I start to notice some clothes fitting better I can weigh myself.

I am making this sound very didactic which he didn't at all. If he had that would have been a 'sub-optimal' delivery of a message - as M would say. Isn't that awesome. I'm so going to use that with the boys - 'Grover, screaming at me because you're tired but don't want to go to bed is a sub-optimal way of winning favour with me'.

So - off we go again.  

Steady as she goes

There's a reason for this continued success. I'll blog about it when I can find a moment from screaming battling children to tell you.

So I'm just quietly going about trying to deal with the rolls

it seems to be working.

That said, my shrink said to me this week that if you imagine a drug that causes weight gain then increase that one hundredfold and you have the impact of the drug I'm on. Great.

Day 10 Fitstorm - Shredding for success

So I'm up to Day 10. For those of you good at maths you'll realise it has taken more than 10 days to get me to Day 10 - yeah. Sorry about that.

My initial plan was to do it five days a week for six weeks. Then last week happened and I had things on, people to see, places to go, a head cold and allergies that have left me with a burst capillary in my left eye. Noice.

So I'm up to Day 10. I've done six days of Level 1 and three days of Level 2. Some clothes are definitely feeling better - well, the skirt I live in which was getting tighter and tighter is not so tight. Still tight, but not to the point I have to undo it at the end of the day or after a meal.

So here's the drill.

I'm still not 100 per cent committed.
Doesn't that sound ridiculous.
But I'm not.
And you know why?
Because I'm scared of failing. I'm scared that if I lose this weight I'll put it all back on.
Like I have every other time I've lose a significant amount of weight.

And yes, I know how stupid, defeatist and ridiculous that is.

So - AGAIN - I'm sucking it up and keeping on going.

I'm up to Day 10 of Jillian Michael's 30 day shred.
I can now do proper push ups and touch the floor without bending my knees.

I am not weighing myself.

I'm going to take my measurements at the end of the week and see how different they are from ones I took last year.

And I'm working out a meal plan so we don't end up eating pasta five nights a week.

I find if I'm organised in terms of what I'm going to have for breakfast/lunch/dinner I stay on track much better than if I don't.

I'm also going to try and adhere to some of Jillian's advice:
Don’t eat anything that doesn’t come out of the ground or have a mother

I'm still going.

Day 6 Fitstorm

So granted, I am a day behind (I'm doing this five days a week for six weeks ... to get to the 30 days) but today I started on Level 2 (out of three) with JIIIIIlian.

Holy crap people.
The sweat, the intensity, the complicated moves requiring coordination I simply don't have.
Seriously, a lot of it seemed to require me to be ready to do a push up, but instead I'm pulling my legs up together, separately, bending one leg and swinging it through to the other side, crunching with my legs in the air. It was like a game of solo Twister.

I've given the scales away for the moment, they don't do anything for my mental state in trying to lose weight. Instead, I'm using the 'holy hell don't waste all that effort with JIIIIIlian' approach.

I'll weigh myself in a couple of weeks.

Day 4 of Fitstorm

So I've done the shred every day this week - on Tuesday I thought something was going to snap, yesterday I sweated like a hog and today, well today I did push-ups on my toes rather than on my knees. I'm building up to shifting to level two next Monday.

I think I might throw the scales away, they mess with my head. Because I was feeling 'tighter' I weighed myself this morning and it said I was 89. FUCK OFF SCALES.

Naturally I ate too much today instead. IDIOT.

Fitstorm

So today I started Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred.

Because I have some sort of muscle death wish.

Actually, I did level 1 and it was fine. I managed the whole thing except for one point when I thought my hamstring may indeed snap.

I didn't even have to battle for space on the floor because I attempted to clean up yesterday.

My plan is to do Level 1 for a week, Level 2 for 2 and Level 3 the remainder of the 30 days.

I like that it's only 20 minutes, that it's intense and that she breaks it down into short intense bursts. I bore easily.

Then I finished it, thinking, that was OK. And then I wanted to hurl. For about three hours. It is a serious workout which took me by surprise. Let's see what the month brings.

OH, and I weighed myself this morning. 88.3kg.

So I've lost 1.5kgs in six weeks. I'm pretty pissed off at that effort, considering the fact that I'm not eating any crap and exercising my arse off. I know I know, the slower the better, I'm doing it the right way, but I would have liked to have been closer to 80 than 90kgs.

Oh, and watching The Biggest Loser doesn't help - some of those boombalardies are now in the 80s and the fact they're going to pass me is really giving me the shits.

Yoga

I did half an hour of a yoga DVD this morning.

I sweated as much as I do walking the boys to school and back.

I still feel nauseous.

Still grumpy

Still grumpy
Cranky even
Still fat
Still wanting to eat myself into a pit

I think my period is due this week...

As you were.

Boombafug

What can I tell you, I'm feeling mighty fugly this week.
I didn't get up yesterday or today for a walk but I did the school walk yesterday arvo and this morning (Monday mornings are speech morning for Oscar so I was car-bound)
I ate about 3 kilos of potato salad at my BIL's 40th on Saturday. I was so full I had to undo my skirt. Which was tight already. Which I had bought when I lost the 10kgs last year before going back to work.
I feel like just sitting down with a ginormous bag of chips and wallowing.
But then I tell myself, this was never going to be a quick fix.
This was about feeling good about myself and sitting down with those chips will not result in me being wrapped in a glorious swathe of self love.
This is about being fit and healthy for my kids ... and me.
This is about me feeling sexy and a woman.

So the mind, it does dangerous things doesn't it.

I want to pack it all in today and just forget about it.
But then I will still be lugging around 18 kilos too many.
I will still be out of breathe at the smallest incline.
I will still avoid physical activity at the merest whiff of it.

And that is not who I want to be.

I am reminding myself about my goal - to be looking fabulous in a new frock at the wedding of some very chic friends next February.

Which is funny because the bad brain is saying to me, why bother, you're never going to get there by then.

But you know, even if I'm 10 kgs lighter by then I know I'll look a hell of a lot better and feel good about myself while also having a lot more options when it comes to finding an outfit.

See. This is what goes on in my brain every single day.

No wonder I'm a nutbag.


*UPDATE AT 2PM*
So, I've managed to get to 2pm w/out eating chocolate, chips or some other crapola. Am proud of myself in that gritted teeth resignation to the pain kind of way.

Still going

So this is week 4 of term 1 and for two of those (the first one was MasterChef week and another one was a wash-out) we have been walking to and from school.

I seriously don't think I have been this chronically sweaty ever. EVER!

I drop boys off in a ball of sweat, I get home dripping, I pick them up with sweat running down my arse-crack and get home with chaffing.

I've gotten up early twice in the last 5 days and gone for a 5km walk.

Here are things I've noticed - even though the exercise thing is exhausting it is good exhausting. Sure, I could (and do) have little nana naps but it makes me keep doing more - so yesterday I went for a walk early, mowed the lawns, cleaned out the drain in our back yard, walked down to pick the boys up while also doing a few loads of washing and preparing dinner.

Also - if I've exercised I eat better.
I sleep better.
I have less anxiety about eating in general.

I have to keep this up.

I jumped on the scales this morning - I've lost another half a kilo.

88.8kg

Guess what

I just got back from a walk.

OH YES I DID.

You know, after reading Duyvken's posts yesterday I gave myself a bit of a kick up the arse.
With a sizeable serving of apple and blueberry crumble with ice cream. Low fat ice cream.

I thought, you know, bugger this. I've been sitting here for most of 08 and now into 09 bemoaning my bulging belly and wishing I was thin, healthy and happy. Because we all know that being thin and healthy = happiness don't we.

And then, this morning, Grover woke just before 5 wet and hungry. After dealing with him I thought, do it. Do it. Do it.
So I did.

Clothes on, sneakers found, out the door.

Fifty minutes later I was home marvelling at just how unfit I have become. The walk that took me 50 minutes? I used to do in about 35-40. And am I a ball of sweat? Oh yes I am.

Number of other lardy arses I saw: 2. They were jogging. That was unnecessary.
Number of buff fellas: 2
Number of really loud farts I did: 2. They were rippers.
Wildlife: 2 rabbits, 1 pelican

No more victim mentality. It's going to take me a long time to be trim and taught, but I have to start somewhere, so 5.10am on 19 February 2009 strikes me as good a time as any.

bleugh

In other news... the last 2.5 days have been what can only be termed a binge. Damn you period. I mean, sure, there were people over and I cooked yummy things but it has been a while since I've been in that place where you keep eating even though you feel ill you're so full.

I'm not weighing myself tomorrow because I know it will not end well.

Instead, I am back to keeping a food diary and having a day (today) where I just try and give my body the chance to digest what its consumed in the last two days.

Weigh In

So I lost half a kilo this week.

Current weight: 89.3kgs.

I am a little disappointed it wasn't more than 500g but then I also ate like a normal person and did exercise so am pleased. No really, I am.

The ultimate in incidental exercise

So now both boys are at the local school - as opposed to one being at a school two suburbs away - we can all walk/bike ride/scooter to school. Jasper's pre-school is two blocks further on, so on Mondays and Tuesdays we just keep ridin' to drop him off.

We worked out today that it's 2.2km from our house to the boys school. Most days of the week I'm doing that four times a day so I'm walking 8.8km! How awesome is that!

Not only am I getting exercise, the boys are and get this - Jasper rides all the way and all the way back. My little 3 year old is riding 4.4km a day. Without one single complaint. In fact, when I picked him up from kindy yesterday because I though he'd be too tired to ride home and it was too hot he gave me a doozy of a performance at not riding home.

It is early days, but what I'm loving is that because I'm out and moving my eating has been significantly curtailed. For example - no junk food or chocolate in a week. Awesome.

Term 1

So, we all went a bit quiet on the Weightloss Front there didn't we!
We had a bit of an agreement that school holidays were in the too hard basket and that once school went back the focus and determination would kick in.

So here we are. Last week - the first week of term - featured, for me, two days of pure adrenalin and not much food and then a day of walking too and from the boys school in significant hot weather. It's flat all the way and there's a bit of stop-starting due to children and the crossing of roads, but surely all that sweating and chaffing must count for something?

Current weight is 89.7kgs.

I have a goal - next February my very lovely and very stylish friends are getting married in a very gigi location. I have a dress hanging in my wardrobe that would be lovely but I want to be able to buy a new frock and rock it.

So... ONWARD.