Still grumpy

Still grumpy
Cranky even
Still fat
Still wanting to eat myself into a pit

I think my period is due this week...

As you were.

Boombafug

What can I tell you, I'm feeling mighty fugly this week.
I didn't get up yesterday or today for a walk but I did the school walk yesterday arvo and this morning (Monday mornings are speech morning for Oscar so I was car-bound)
I ate about 3 kilos of potato salad at my BIL's 40th on Saturday. I was so full I had to undo my skirt. Which was tight already. Which I had bought when I lost the 10kgs last year before going back to work.
I feel like just sitting down with a ginormous bag of chips and wallowing.
But then I tell myself, this was never going to be a quick fix.
This was about feeling good about myself and sitting down with those chips will not result in me being wrapped in a glorious swathe of self love.
This is about being fit and healthy for my kids ... and me.
This is about me feeling sexy and a woman.

So the mind, it does dangerous things doesn't it.

I want to pack it all in today and just forget about it.
But then I will still be lugging around 18 kilos too many.
I will still be out of breathe at the smallest incline.
I will still avoid physical activity at the merest whiff of it.

And that is not who I want to be.

I am reminding myself about my goal - to be looking fabulous in a new frock at the wedding of some very chic friends next February.

Which is funny because the bad brain is saying to me, why bother, you're never going to get there by then.

But you know, even if I'm 10 kgs lighter by then I know I'll look a hell of a lot better and feel good about myself while also having a lot more options when it comes to finding an outfit.

See. This is what goes on in my brain every single day.

No wonder I'm a nutbag.


*UPDATE AT 2PM*
So, I've managed to get to 2pm w/out eating chocolate, chips or some other crapola. Am proud of myself in that gritted teeth resignation to the pain kind of way.

Still going

So this is week 4 of term 1 and for two of those (the first one was MasterChef week and another one was a wash-out) we have been walking to and from school.

I seriously don't think I have been this chronically sweaty ever. EVER!

I drop boys off in a ball of sweat, I get home dripping, I pick them up with sweat running down my arse-crack and get home with chaffing.

I've gotten up early twice in the last 5 days and gone for a 5km walk.

Here are things I've noticed - even though the exercise thing is exhausting it is good exhausting. Sure, I could (and do) have little nana naps but it makes me keep doing more - so yesterday I went for a walk early, mowed the lawns, cleaned out the drain in our back yard, walked down to pick the boys up while also doing a few loads of washing and preparing dinner.

Also - if I've exercised I eat better.
I sleep better.
I have less anxiety about eating in general.

I have to keep this up.

I jumped on the scales this morning - I've lost another half a kilo.

88.8kg

Guess what

I just got back from a walk.

OH YES I DID.

You know, after reading Duyvken's posts yesterday I gave myself a bit of a kick up the arse.
With a sizeable serving of apple and blueberry crumble with ice cream. Low fat ice cream.

I thought, you know, bugger this. I've been sitting here for most of 08 and now into 09 bemoaning my bulging belly and wishing I was thin, healthy and happy. Because we all know that being thin and healthy = happiness don't we.

And then, this morning, Grover woke just before 5 wet and hungry. After dealing with him I thought, do it. Do it. Do it.
So I did.

Clothes on, sneakers found, out the door.

Fifty minutes later I was home marvelling at just how unfit I have become. The walk that took me 50 minutes? I used to do in about 35-40. And am I a ball of sweat? Oh yes I am.

Number of other lardy arses I saw: 2. They were jogging. That was unnecessary.
Number of buff fellas: 2
Number of really loud farts I did: 2. They were rippers.
Wildlife: 2 rabbits, 1 pelican

No more victim mentality. It's going to take me a long time to be trim and taught, but I have to start somewhere, so 5.10am on 19 February 2009 strikes me as good a time as any.

Motivation

Mary asked me how I stayed motivated and I had to think about it to figure it out. I am interested to hear how everyone else motivates themselves so I thought I would post about it and ask for responses.
Losing weight is something that is very easy theoretically. Calorific expenditure simply needs to be greater than calorific intake over a period of time. Easy!
So why is it actually quite difficult? Why do we have so much other 'stuff' to wade through? When did I start eating when I am bored/tired/sad/stressed? And why did I start using food this way?
I don't have all those answers yet but I have clarified my 4 main motivators; health, memory, vanityand boredom.
Health - I love feeling healthy and fit. I want to live a long life, I want to have a strong immune system so that I don't catch every little bug that's going around and so that I can fight off the illnesses and infections that I do catch. I want my heart, lungs, kidneys, liver and brain to be functioning well. I don't want to be old before my time. I need to take care of myself. Maintaining a healthy weight, eating well and exercising are going to keep me healthy.
Memory - I remember what it feels like to be healthy and fit. To run, jump, cycle, swim, hike, etc. I long to feel that way away again.
Vanity - This is also a strong motivation for me. I have a closet full of clothes that are too tight and I hate that. I don't like the way I look right now. I looked better 6mths ago than I do right now (!) and I really want to get back to feeling and looking like myself and not this person who looks back at me when I look in the mirror.
This is a tricky one though because although it motivates me, it also wears me down. I feel bad about how I look and about how my clothes don't fit and if I am not careful I feel hopeless and miserable and weary of it all. I constantly have to remind myself to pay less attention to this or I will shun exercise in favour of slothing on the couch, and I will start eating to improve my mood. And that won't get me closer to where I want to be.
Boredom - This is a big one. I've had weight to lose since C was born almost 2 1/2 years ago and I am so over it. It is dull, dull, dull. I just want to be done with the bit where I 'lose weight' and I want to get on with the bit where I 'maintain my weight' and can live without thinking about it. Being bored with it all motivates me to get on with it and just get it done.

What motivates you?

Early morning starts

Turns out that early morning starts just aren't my thing.
They used to be, when I was at school.
And at uni.
And working.
But now.... not so much.
That is has been pouring with rain every morning hasn't helped either. I'd rather stay in bed than go for a walk in the pouring rain.
Turns out I'm not as adventurous as I like to think I am either.
So, to make up for not getting out of bed I went for a swim last night when Mr Duyvken got home. I am very lucky to have an outdoor 50m metre pool in my neighbourhood and you know what?
I really enjoyed myself.
I thought it was going to be such hard work but I surprised myself.
I swam 800m and then felt so dizzy I had to get out of the water.
I was aiming for a kilometre but that might have been a little optimistic.
I'll try for 1km next time.
It makes me think that the local tri clubs meets might be do-able. The swim leg is the bit I have been worried about but it's only 500m and, after last night, I feel like I could do it.
Exercise and fresh air are also so good for my state of mind.
I feel revived and better able the deal with the cabin fever that is setting in after 4 days of solid rain.
I'll let you know if it also makes doing those dreaded crunches any easier.
Somehow I doubt it.

Weigh-in

Hm, 60.5kgs, a half kilo loss.
I really need to motivate myself to get more exercise. I know it will make a big difference but I am finding it very hard to get myself moving.
I am so impressed with Kim walking to and from school. She's doing so well! I've set my alarm for 5:15am and I will get out of bed and go for a run.
Did you hear that?
I will go for a run.
I will go for a run.
I will go for a run.
And, I will report back.
If I am quiet over the next few days, you will know why.
Wish me luck!