boombalardy

Starting all over again. Again.

2010-10-18T16:47:00.000+11:00

Yep. Been here before.
Sick of the fat.
Sick of the lack of fitness.
Sick of the self-loathing.

But I'm back.

10kgs by Christmas.

I'm also going to do the Couch to 5km program. With Felix. So that will have to start once his whooping cough is dealt with.

I've got the number for a local Zumba class.

Mum is well enough I can get back into going for a swim two mornings a week.

It's time.

Helloooooooooo

2010-08-17T23:31:00.004+10:00

Howdy strangers
Are we back - are we going to nail this sucker once and for all?!!??!!
Time to lose it.

Criteria and Motivation

I am not pregnant (tick)
I am breastfeeding (tick and tick)
My stomach is grotesque and hangs about in weird places (ticks me right off)
I have seen myself in a mirror lately (no tickets on myself there)
I can not afford a whole new wardrobe...... again (unless fat girl shop has a further 50% off the already reduced ticketed price)
I am worth it (tick tick tick).

Anyone for tennis?

Well hello there

2009-11-04T13:42:00.000+11:00

I've just returned from my monthly check-in with my psychiatrist. We talked a lot about my weight. About how I need to lose 15kgs to be back in a land where I feel good about myself, look good and am far healthier than I am now.

This year has been all about the weight loss so naturally I have put on about 4 kilos.

I'm now the heaviest I've been since 2007, post Grover pregnancy.

My fat girl clothes are not fitting.

I am panicked, PANICKED, about my weight.

Which of course is the worst thing to be because you look on yourself with loathing and the future with fear. Fear of losing the weight but then finding you are not losing the weight. And then your mind becomes a mine field of what ifs. What if this is how I will look for the rest of my life? What if I never lose all this belly fat? What if I develop diabetes? What if What if What if.

It's so freakin' unhealthy.

So my shrink, M, gave me a new strategy today. For the first time in my weight loss obsessive life I am not focusing on the end point. I am not focusing on the weight. Instead, I'm going to focus on two things:
1. Activity
2. Portion

1. Activity
I have to schedule physical activity. Diarise it. If I miss the 'appointment' I have to put a big red cross through it. If I make the 'appointment' then I put a big green tick through it.
It does not have to be every day.
But I have to schedule it and keep the times firm in my diary.

2. Portion
A return to eating sensible sized portions of whatever I'm eating.
Again, it doesn't have to be every day - we're aiming for 5/6 days out of 7.

I am not to set foot near scales for at least six weeks. If and only IF I start to notice some clothes fitting better I can weigh myself.

I am making this sound very didactic which he didn't at all. If he had that would have been a 'sub-optimal' delivery of a message - as M would say. Isn't that awesome. I'm so going to use that with the boys - 'Grover, screaming at me because you're tired but don't want to go to bed is a sub-optimal way of winning favour with me'.

So - off we go again.

Duyvken checks in

2009-07-17T19:46:00.003+10:00

Slow progress here chez Duyvken has me feeling a little low about this weight loss caper. I know it's the things I do every day that make the difference but I still find myself indulging in Tour de France junk food more than I should. I'm not even staying up to watch the Tour but Mr Duyvken and his cycling pals are often here into the wee hours of the morning and they've been enjoying home-made pizzas, pikelets with caramel sauce and ice-cream, deep fried chicken and plenty of chips, tim tams and OJ. It's the leftover tim tams and chocolates that are bringing me down!
I'm still losing weight but nowhere near as quickly as I would have liked. Of course, the irritating thing about this is that I know it is entirely within my control. I just need to do more sustained exercise - longer walks, cycling, running, etc but it is too easy to take the slacker option.
I don't want to be a slacker so I'd better start making some better decisions and I'd better do it quickly!
I hope all my fellow boombalardians are well and heading in the right direction,
Duyvken.

Current weight: 57.5

Steady as she goes

2009-05-31T08:53:00.002+10:00

There's a reason for this continued success. I'll blog about it when I can find a moment from screaming battling children to tell you.

Back on it again

2009-05-25T08:33:00.000+10:00

Wanting to lose weight for Greece and for me.

Fat fat the water rat.

x

So I'm just quietly going about trying to deal with the rolls

2009-05-24T14:29:00.002+10:00

it seems to be working.

That said, my shrink said to me this week that if you imagine a drug that causes weight gain then increase that one hundredfold and you have the impact of the drug I'm on. Great.

Day 10 Fitstorm - Shredding for success

2009-03-31T14:38:00.004+11:00

So I'm up to Day 10. For those of you good at maths you'll realise it has taken more than 10 days to get me to Day 10 - yeah. Sorry about that.

My initial plan was to do it five days a week for six weeks. Then last week happened and I had things on, people to see, places to go, a head cold and allergies that have left me with a burst capillary in my left eye. Noice.

So I'm up to Day 10. I've done six days of Level 1 and three days of Level 2. Some clothes are definitely feeling better - well, the skirt I live in which was getting tighter and tighter is not so tight. Still tight, but not to the point I have to undo it at the end of the day or after a meal.

So here's the drill.

I'm still not 100 per cent committed.
Doesn't that sound ridiculous.
But I'm not.
And you know why?
Because I'm scared of failing. I'm scared that if I lose this weight I'll put it all back on.
Like I have every other time I've lose a significant amount of weight.

And yes, I know how stupid, defeatist and ridiculous that is.

So - AGAIN - I'm sucking it up and keeping on going.

I'm up to Day 10 of Jillian Michael's 30 day shred.
I can now do proper push ups and touch the floor without bending my knees.

I am not weighing myself.

I'm going to take my measurements at the end of the week and see how different they are from ones I took last year.

And I'm working out a meal plan so we don't end up eating pasta five nights a week.

I find if I'm organised in terms of what I'm going to have for breakfast/lunch/dinner I stay on track much better than if I don't.

I'm also going to try and adhere to some of Jillian's advice:
Don’t eat anything that doesn’t come out of the ground or have a mother

I'm still going.

Day 6 Fitstorm

2009-03-24T22:23:00.002+11:00

So granted, I am a day behind (I'm doing this five days a week for six weeks ... to get to the 30 days) but today I started on Level 2 (out of three) with JIIIIIlian.

Holy crap people.
The sweat, the intensity, the complicated moves requiring coordination I simply don't have.
Seriously, a lot of it seemed to require me to be ready to do a push up, but instead I'm pulling my legs up together, separately, bending one leg and swinging it through to the other side, crunching with my legs in the air. It was like a game of solo Twister.

I've given the scales away for the moment, they don't do anything for my mental state in trying to lose weight. Instead, I'm using the 'holy hell don't waste all that effort with JIIIIIlian' approach.

I'll weigh myself in a couple of weeks.

Day 4 of Fitstorm

2009-03-19T21:35:00.002+11:00

So I've done the shred every day this week - on Tuesday I thought something was going to snap, yesterday I sweated like a hog and today, well today I did push-ups on my toes rather than on my knees. I'm building up to shifting to level two next Monday.

I think I might throw the scales away, they mess with my head. Because I was feeling 'tighter' I weighed myself this morning and it said I was 89. FUCK OFF SCALES.

Naturally I ate too much today instead. IDIOT.

Fitstorm

2009-03-16T13:31:00.002+11:00

So today I started Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred.

Because I have some sort of muscle death wish.

Actually, I did level 1 and it was fine. I managed the whole thing except for one point when I thought my hamstring may indeed snap.

I didn't even have to battle for space on the floor because I attempted to clean up yesterday.

My plan is to do Level 1 for a week, Level 2 for 2 and Level 3 the remainder of the 30 days.

I like that it's only 20 minutes, that it's intense and that she breaks it down into short intense bursts. I bore easily.

Then I finished it, thinking, that was OK. And then I wanted to hurl. For about three hours. It is a serious workout which took me by surprise. Let's see what the month brings.

OH, and I weighed myself this morning. 88.3kg.

So I've lost 1.5kgs in six weeks. I'm pretty pissed off at that effort, considering the fact that I'm not eating any crap and exercising my arse off. I know I know, the slower the better, I'm doing it the right way, but I would have liked to have been closer to 80 than 90kgs.

Oh, and watching The Biggest Loser doesn't help - some of those boombalardies are now in the 80s and the fact they're going to pass me is really giving me the shits.

Vices

2009-03-12T13:09:00.002+11:00

...and I have not had a turkish delight all week.
I miss my sweet little foil wrapped friend.

Update

2009-03-12T12:36:00.003+11:00

I hate my double stroller. It's got tiny hard rubber wheels that refuse to all go in the same direction at once, the frame is getting rickety and I need to give it a good shove every time I want to start moving.
We got it 2nd hand from friends when C was born in exchange for Mr Duyvken fixing their riddling rack. The price was right so we took it and although it's been great for getting around the shops it is hopeless on footpaths, nature strips, etc. It stops every time it encounters a small bump in it's path and I end up nearly breaking my neck when I try to jog. I even tipped it forward one day trying to get across the street. C and JW were well strapped in and were fine, thank goodness but it cemented my dislike for the 12 wheeled beast.
Despite keeping an eye on sales, ebay, the trading post, etc I haven't been able to find a double stroller with pneumatic tyres at a price that meets my budget, As C gets older I get closer to only needing the single stroller again so spending money on a decent double wouldn't be sensible and I am trying to be patient with it.
I took it for a walk again this morning, fighting with it up all the hills, battling with it around corners and trying hard not to let it run away from me when descending all the while being breezed past by women pushing jogger strollers who seemed immune to the evil lasers I was shooting at their fast retreating backs. I am hoping that all the wrestling the stroller requires means I am getting a reasonable upper body workout and I will soon have the biceps to roll one of those mums for their stroller. They'd never catch up with me once I took off on those inflated tyres!

This week -
Monday - swim, crunches
Tuesday - 5km walk
Wedsnesay - crunches
Thursday - 8km walk with stroller wrestling, crunches

Yoga

2009-03-09T18:59:00.003+11:00

I did half an hour of a yoga DVD this morning.

I sweated as much as I do walking the boys to school and back.

I still feel nauseous.

Exercise Continuers

2009-03-09T13:49:00.003+11:00

J had a swimming lesson this morning and my mum kindly looked after the younger two so I was able to swim some laps while J was having his lesson instead of standing by the pool watching him and entertaining C and JW. The lesson goes for half an hour so I only swam for 20 mins but it was great. It's such a lovely way to exercise. I am particularly pleased to have done it because the forecast is for rain all week which means I probably won't be able to do the long walks I started last week. At least, not with the double stroller. It looks like I'll be going out for a run when Mr Duyvken gets home from work or waking early and exercising before he needs to leave in the mornings. I hate getting up early but I'll set the alarm anyway, apparently I am an optimist!
Mr Duyvken also taught me a way to do crunches that I am finding much easier and much more effective than the other ways I've been doing them. I'll share that with you next time, OK?

Adventure Racing and Long Walks

2009-03-06T19:38:00.005+11:00

The walk that I've been doing is 8km long and hilly. I did it 3 times this week (the 3 days my 4yo is at pre-school) and that is what I am going to do each week between now and the adventure race I mentioned yesterday.
We're doing one of the sprint races in the Kathmandu Adventure series. You don't know exactly what you'll be doing until you get there and get your course map for the day. The teams who really know what they're doing then spend some time plotting the fastest course, Mr Duyvken and I look at the topography lines and hope for the best. It's a combination of trail running, mountain biking and kayaking, the running and kayaking should be fine but I really need to spend more time biking than I did in 2007. I really wasn't confident on the bike and it cost us a lot of time. I blogged about it (albeitly briefly) here. That was way back in 2007. We were the 3rd or 4th last team to finish so it shouldn't be too difficult to improve on that!
I haven't been doing the crunches, why do I hate them so much?

The Fast Track

2009-03-05T23:13:00.004+11:00

Enough messing around.

I want my clothes to fit.

Not a snug fit either, I want them to be comfortable.

And I want to enjoy running again.

I would like that to happen soon.

So, in the spirit of making some of this stuff happen quickly, and being very impressed by all the walking Kim has been doing, I went on a long walk today and yesterday pushing the youngest two in the double stroller. I'll figure out distance, etc tomorrow, but it takes just under 2hrs and is hilly. (Why don't I live somewhere flat?)

And Mr Duyvken and I have signed for an adventure race.

We did it 2 years ago when C was a baby and I adored it.

It was wet, it was freezing, it was hard but it was amazing and I am excited about doing it again. I really need to kick my fitness up a few notches to be able to do it though so that means no more whining and complaining, it is time for action! Who's with me?

Now, if they would just stop making Fry's turkish delight bars this would be a whole lot easier.

Do not Google Fry's turkish delight because you will find the chocablog website.
You have been warned.

Still grumpy

2009-03-04T15:23:00.000+11:00

Still grumpy
Cranky even
Still fat
Still wanting to eat myself into a pit

I think my period is due this week...

As you were.

Boombafug

2009-03-03T10:39:00.006+11:00

What can I tell you, I'm feeling mighty fugly this week.
I didn't get up yesterday or today for a walk but I did the school walk yesterday arvo and this morning (Monday mornings are speech morning for Oscar so I was car-bound)
I ate about 3 kilos of potato salad at my BIL's 40th on Saturday. I was so full I had to undo my skirt. Which was tight already. Which I had bought when I lost the 10kgs last year before going back to work.
I feel like just sitting down with a ginormous bag of chips and wallowing.
But then I tell myself, this was never going to be a quick fix.
This was about feeling good about myself and sitting down with those chips will not result in me being wrapped in a glorious swathe of self love.
This is about being fit and healthy for my kids ... and me.
This is about me feeling sexy and a woman.

So the mind, it does dangerous things doesn't it.

I want to pack it all in today and just forget about it.
But then I will still be lugging around 18 kilos too many.
I will still be out of breathe at the smallest incline.
I will still avoid physical activity at the merest whiff of it.

And that is not who I want to be.

I am reminding myself about my goal - to be looking fabulous in a new frock at the wedding of some very chic friends next February.

Which is funny because the bad brain is saying to me, why bother, you're never going to get there by then.

But you know, even if I'm 10 kgs lighter by then I know I'll look a hell of a lot better and feel good about myself while also having a lot more options when it comes to finding an outfit.

See. This is what goes on in my brain every single day.

No wonder I'm a nutbag.

*UPDATE AT 2PM*
So, I've managed to get to 2pm w/out eating chocolate, chips or some other crapola. Am proud of myself in that gritted teeth resignation to the pain kind of way.

Still going

2009-02-24T22:42:00.003+11:00

So this is week 4 of term 1 and for two of those (the first one was MasterChef week and another one was a wash-out) we have been walking to and from school.

I seriously don't think I have been this chronically sweaty ever. EVER!

I drop boys off in a ball of sweat, I get home dripping, I pick them up with sweat running down my arse-crack and get home with chaffing.

I've gotten up early twice in the last 5 days and gone for a 5km walk.

Here are things I've noticed - even though the exercise thing is exhausting it is good exhausting. Sure, I could (and do) have little nana naps but it makes me keep doing more - so yesterday I went for a walk early, mowed the lawns, cleaned out the drain in our back yard, walked down to pick the boys up while also doing a few loads of washing and preparing dinner.

Also - if I've exercised I eat better.
I sleep better.
I have less anxiety about eating in general.

I have to keep this up.

I jumped on the scales this morning - I've lost another half a kilo.

88.8kg

Guess what

2009-02-19T06:09:00.002+11:00

I just got back from a walk.

OH YES I DID.

You know, after reading Duyvken's posts yesterday I gave myself a bit of a kick up the arse.
With a sizeable serving of apple and blueberry crumble with ice cream. Low fat ice cream.

I thought, you know, bugger this. I've been sitting here for most of 08 and now into 09 bemoaning my bulging belly and wishing I was thin, healthy and happy. Because we all know that being thin and healthy = happiness don't we.

And then, this morning, Grover woke just before 5 wet and hungry. After dealing with him I thought, do it. Do it. Do it.
So I did.

Clothes on, sneakers found, out the door.

Fifty minutes later I was home marvelling at just how unfit I have become. The walk that took me 50 minutes? I used to do in about 35-40. And am I a ball of sweat? Oh yes I am.

Number of other lardy arses I saw: 2. They were jogging. That was unnecessary.
Number of buff fellas: 2
Number of really loud farts I did: 2. They were rippers.
Wildlife: 2 rabbits, 1 pelican

No more victim mentality. It's going to take me a long time to be trim and taught, but I have to start somewhere, so 5.10am on 19 February 2009 strikes me as good a time as any.

Motivation

2009-02-18T11:09:00.004+11:00

Mary asked me how I stayed motivated and I had to think about it to figure it out. I am interested to hear how everyone else motivates themselves so I thought I would post about it and ask for responses.
Losing weight is something that is very easy theoretically. Calorific expenditure simply needs to be greater than calorific intake over a period of time. Easy!
So why is it actually quite difficult? Why do we have so much other 'stuff' to wade through? When did I start eating when I am bored/tired/sad/stressed? And why did I start using food this way?
I don't have all those answers yet but I have clarified my 4 main motivators; health, memory, vanityand boredom.
Health - I love feeling healthy and fit. I want to live a long life, I want to have a strong immune system so that I don't catch every little bug that's going around and so that I can fight off the illnesses and infections that I do catch. I want my heart, lungs, kidneys, liver and brain to be functioning well. I don't want to be old before my time. I need to take care of myself. Maintaining a healthy weight, eating well and exercising are going to keep me healthy.
Memory - I remember what it feels like to be healthy and fit. To run, jump, cycle, swim, hike, etc. I long to feel that way away again.
Vanity - This is also a strong motivation for me. I have a closet full of clothes that are too tight and I hate that. I don't like the way I look right now. I looked better 6mths ago than I do right now (!) and I really want to get back to feeling and looking like myself and not this person who looks back at me when I look in the mirror.
This is a tricky one though because although it motivates me, it also wears me down. I feel bad about how I look and about how my clothes don't fit and if I am not careful I feel hopeless and miserable and weary of it all. I constantly have to remind myself to pay less attention to this or I will shun exercise in favour of slothing on the couch, and I will start eating to improve my mood. And that won't get me closer to where I want to be.
Boredom - This is a big one. I've had weight to lose since C was born almost 2 1/2 years ago and I am so over it. It is dull, dull, dull. I just want to be done with the bit where I 'lose weight' and I want to get on with the bit where I 'maintain my weight' and can live without thinking about it. Being bored with it all motivates me to get on with it and just get it done.

What motivates you?

Early morning starts

2009-02-17T11:18:00.003+11:00

Turns out that early morning starts just aren't my thing.
They used to be, when I was at school.
And at uni.
And working.
But now.... not so much.
That is has been pouring with rain every morning hasn't helped either. I'd rather stay in bed than go for a walk in the pouring rain.
Turns out I'm not as adventurous as I like to think I am either.
So, to make up for not getting out of bed I went for a swim last night when Mr Duyvken got home. I am very lucky to have an outdoor 50m metre pool in my neighbourhood and you know what?
I really enjoyed myself.
I thought it was going to be such hard work but I surprised myself.
I swam 800m and then felt so dizzy I had to get out of the water.
I was aiming for a kilometre but that might have been a little optimistic.
I'll try for 1km next time.
It makes me think that the local tri clubs meets might be do-able. The swim leg is the bit I have been worried about but it's only 500m and, after last night, I feel like I could do it.
Exercise and fresh air are also so good for my state of mind.
I feel revived and better able the deal with the cabin fever that is setting in after 4 days of solid rain.
I'll let you know if it also makes doing those dreaded crunches any easier.
Somehow I doubt it.

Weigh-in

2009-02-15T22:14:00.003+11:00

Hm, 60.5kgs, a half kilo loss.
I really need to motivate myself to get more exercise. I know it will make a big difference but I am finding it very hard to get myself moving.
I am so impressed with Kim walking to and from school. She's doing so well! I've set my alarm for 5:15am and I will get out of bed and go for a run.
Did you hear that?
I will go for a run.
I will go for a run.
I will go for a run.
And, I will report back.
If I am quiet over the next few days, you will know why.
Wish me luck!

bleugh

2009-02-15T08:23:00.004+11:00

In other news... the last 2.5 days have been what can only be termed a binge. Damn you period. I mean, sure, there were people over and I cooked yummy things but it has been a while since I've been in that place where you keep eating even though you feel ill you're so full.

I'm not weighing myself tomorrow because I know it will not end well.

Instead, I am back to keeping a food diary and having a day (today) where I just try and give my body the chance to digest what its consumed in the last two days.

Weigh In

2009-02-11T06:45:00.002+11:00

So I lost half a kilo this week.

Current weight: 89.3kgs.

I am a little disappointed it wasn't more than 500g but then I also ate like a normal person and did exercise so am pleased. No really, I am.

Crunches

2009-02-05T17:12:00.003+11:00

One of my goals was to do crunches every day because (after 4 pregnancies) my poor old tummy is not what it used to be but this has been such a difficult thing for me.

Why?

Because it is deathly boring.

Dull, dull dull.

I am not kidding.

I have persisted with it but not really seeing any results yet is wearying. Hopefully, another month or two will change that. Although contemplating another month or two of crunches is doing my head in.

However, I have lost 2kgs so I am heading in the right direction.

******
I am so impressed by Kim's daily walks I might even be able to drag myself out of bed early next week to get a run in before my husband needs to leave for work. I'll let you know how I go!

The ultimate in incidental exercise

2009-02-03T19:56:00.004+11:00

So now both boys are at the local school - as opposed to one being at a school two suburbs away - we can all walk/bike ride/scooter to school. Jasper's pre-school is two blocks further on, so on Mondays and Tuesdays we just keep ridin' to drop him off.

We worked out today that it's 2.2km from our house to the boys school. Most days of the week I'm doing that four times a day so I'm walking 8.8km! How awesome is that!

Not only am I getting exercise, the boys are and get this - Jasper rides all the way and all the way back. My little 3 year old is riding 4.4km a day. Without one single complaint. In fact, when I picked him up from kindy yesterday because I though he'd be too tired to ride home and it was too hot he gave me a doozy of a performance at not riding home.

It is early days, but what I'm loving is that because I'm out and moving my eating has been significantly curtailed. For example - no junk food or chocolate in a week. Awesome.

Term 1

2009-02-02T06:41:00.003+11:00

So, we all went a bit quiet on the Weightloss Front there didn't we!
We had a bit of an agreement that school holidays were in the too hard basket and that once school went back the focus and determination would kick in.

So here we are. Last week - the first week of term - featured, for me, two days of pure adrenalin and not much food and then a day of walking too and from the boys school in significant hot weather. It's flat all the way and there's a bit of stop-starting due to children and the crossing of roads, but surely all that sweating and chaffing must count for something?

Current weight is 89.7kgs.

I have a goal - next February my very lovely and very stylish friends are getting married in a very gigi location. I have a dress hanging in my wardrobe that would be lovely but I want to be able to buy a new frock and rock it.

So... ONWARD.

watch out ladies - the gloves are coming off

2009-01-12T20:30:00.003+11:00

I have been feeling completely overwhelmed by the whole concept of weight loss and exercise. I have been relying on sugar fixes to get me through the lulls. But hopefully I am about to be given an unfair advantage. Tonight the doctor has recommended a course of iron injections as well as on going iron tablets for anaemia plus an increase in my thyroxine dose. I plan on feeling like a new woman.

me vs scales, part 675

2009-01-11T21:21:00.004+11:00

I worked hard on the food control leading up to at the end of last year - from 103.3kg on 15 October 2008 to 97.3 kg at the end of November. But then came the festive season and I lost the plot a bit, then a bit more in the new year, including being laid up with a bad back for a few days and feeling craaaap! So this morning I was 101.3kg. Not completely undone, but just about.
So today what did I do - ate! But I did take the kids for a quick ride up the road this arvo (about 2km return) and then after dinner (roast lamb, vegies roasted in the pan, peas, fresh corn, gravy and including dessert - sensational combo of fresh apricots and a peach drizzled with lime curd and wrapped in a piece of shortcrust pastry, sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar and baked, served warm with a small scoop of icecream) I went for another ride on my own of about 6km return (I could hardly reach the handle bars over my monstrous gut). Slightly redeemed, and enough to help me feel I am not a completely lost cause.
And so it begins...... again

Weigh In

2009-01-09T11:12:00.002+11:00

Last week: 89.8kgs
This week: 89.0kgs
Loss: 0.8kgs

A bit of a surprise really, there was still a LOT of eating going on.
BUT
Things I did start on:
- being more conscious of when I'm full
- eating a proper breakfast (something I am always a stickler for but have become slack on during the festive season)
- a lot less junk food

My goals this week are:
- to start moving - maybe doing one of the exercise videos I have at home OR get up to that alarm I've set for 5am to go for a walk OR go to the gym I am paying to be a member of but never go to.
- stick to the food diary

So far off the rails I can't even see the tracks

2009-01-05T20:52:00.002+11:00

I haven't even bothered to weigh myself since before Christmas. Enough said.

Every day is a new day

Wake up call

2009-01-05T10:44:00.004+11:00

We went to day 2 of the Australia v South Africa test at the SCG yesterday with my husband's work. We were sitting in the hospitalilty suites and therefore had to comply wth a pretty stringent dress code. Ladies are required to wear a blouse with slacks or a skirt or a dress, no shorts or thongs and nothing too revealing. That doesn't sound too difficult but I haven't lost all the weight from my last pregnancy yet and I was already carrying a few extra kgs so, while my wardrobe has lot's of lovely tops, skirts, dresses and pants there are very few things that actually fit. I have a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts and a dress on rotation at the moment. I was able to find a pair of pants (bought the morning of my grandmother's funeral 7 weeks after my daughter's birth) and a top that didn't match the pants but did kind of fit the dress code. I was in tears trying to find something to wear as I realised that I don't just have a little weight to lose but quite a significant amount of work to do before I can get back into most of the things in my closet. My fitness is pretty woeful and my face looks very different to how it did a couple of years ago. Generally I am not happy about how I look and how I feel in my body and it's time to take some serious steps. So here I am, joining Boombalardy to share my weight loss and fitness journey, to lean on the bare-faced accountability of weighing in publicly week after week and to support the other bloggers who also carry more into 2009 than they really want to.
This is where I start - current weight 63kgs, goal weight 50 - 52kgs.
Weekly aim - to exercise 3-4 times a week and to do sit-ups every day.

It's Time

2009-01-04T10:35:00.002+11:00

For five years now I have bored friends with discussions of how THIS is the year that I am going to lose weight.

THIS though is the year and in the presence of three other women to inspire and encourage me I want to lose 22kg by the end of 2009.

I am unofficially 91.2 kg - I have decided to do a weekly weigh in on Tuesdays... Mondays can be a bit disheartening if I have indulged myself on the weekends.

The game plan.

I am a fan of Kate Morgan shakes for breakfast.

Lunch will generally be a wholegrain sandwich of salad and protein.

Dinner a small serve of whatever I have cooked for the children and myself.

My downfall - and this is where I would appreciate some advice - is afternoon tea - all those yummy cakes and biscuits I feed the kids at that time. Sure - I should just not buy them or make them. Are there things I could make/bake that would be good for afternoon tea and then lunchboxes the following day?

And exercise of course...

New Year

2009-01-04T09:52:00.002+11:00

So here we are.

Starting another year where summer = humidity = chaffing = swimsuit angst = resolution to lose weight again.

I'm almost pushing maximum density once more.

Nothing fits.

Everything is uncomfortable.

My body repulses me.

Which is stupid because it's not my body's fault there are rolling loaves of fat and rubbing thighs.

This year Boombalardy is expanding - but less in a loosening the belt and more in an arms wide open kinda way.

Blue Mountains Mary and Duyvken are joining me and Kill. Our own Biggest Loser, except it's not a competition. So maybe more our own Weight Watchers meeting. Hopefully more that than Fat Fighters.

So the starting point.

Weight: 89.8kgs
Goal: 68kgs

Sigh of sighs

cave mysteries

2008-12-03T20:30:00.003+11:00

At the caves we visited there were little squiggly stalactite formations called helictites. Before they received this scientific name they wer known as cave mysteries, because noone was (or indeed is now) really sure how they form - against the forces of gravity, in a bizarre range of shapes, defying logic. This must also apply to my loss this week of 0.2kg - a loss I tell you!! It must be very closely correlated to the number of steps and hills I climbed, because it CERTAINLY was not related to my food intake. But I shall take and run. It brings my total loss so far to a round 6.0kg (over 7 weeks).

flat-liner

2008-12-01T10:56:00.002+11:00

Well last weekend I indulged in champagne on two separate occassions, rissoles at a BBQ and Rocky Road etc etc. THe net result - 0.0kg as I managed to pull it all together on Monday and Tuesday and come out even!

But this week - oh deary me! Friday and Saturday were VERY much out of control in terms of food. Although a weekend away did mean lots of walking and stairs and hills. This morning it looks like a 0.8kg gain but if I can pull it together for the next two days and eat cleansing salad, no alcohol and lots of water - I might break even again (hopefully!)

So KPB - your turn to lead the inspiration this week my friend

Weigh In - Week 6

2008-11-29T23:54:00.002+11:00

So no change this week.
Which was good I think. I'm still below 87kgs. YIPPEE!

This week I'm coming back to writing everything down and so far I've been tracking pretty well.
I'm hoping for a decent loss by next Wednesday.

Weigh in

2008-11-20T23:46:00.002+11:00

So I weighed in yesterday and lost another 1.1kg. I didn't expect to do so well two weeks in a row. I am actually averaging more than 1kg per week which I am more than happy with. The food diary is keeping me honest. Did slip in a couple of extra half pieces of chocolate brownie tonight. But they are made with mashed banana, wholemeal flour, fat free natural yoghurt and two table spoons of vegie oil. So apart from the large amounts of cocoa and sugar, they are not too bad (no saturated fat anyway).

Still need to refocus on exercise. Had a flash in the pan in week 1 but have been a bit manic since, and haven't made it a priority.

Still have a long way to go. Still need to accept this as a long term plan, not a quick fix.

Still need to go to bed earlier and get more sleep.

last week : 98.6kg
this week: 97.5kg

Weigh In - Week 5

2008-11-19T16:36:00.004+11:00

Well, look at that - I get my very own pep talk from Kill, start keeping a food diary and actually try and look what happens...

Last week: 87.5
This week: 86.6

Yey!

Tuesday

2008-11-18T10:31:00.003+11:00

So Kill has a food diary she writes in every day - I have one of those too but where I'm at at the moment requires me to write it publicly as my current resolve is not yet strong enough to be 'honest' with myself privately.

Breakfast: two slices five-seed bread w/ homemade apricot jam (YUM), cup of tea

another week

2008-11-17T20:29:00.002+11:00

Well, I should have posted last Wednesday so I could gloat over my 1.2kg loss. Never mind, the moment has passed. Still feeling proud of my effort though. Have discovered I need to focus on my goal, loath myself as I am, understand that is not who I really am, and get on with it. Writing everything down keeps me honest and on track. Even if I can't be fagged, I write it down anyway. I have a Symply Too Good To Be True 8 week food journal (from last Christmas) and it is working a treat. $5 from the newsagent. When this one runs out I am getting another - immediately. My initial goal was to lose 5kg before Christmas - I may already be there this week (4.7kg so far). I may adjust the festive goal to 10kg - WOW, that would be great.

Monday

2008-11-17T12:11:00.002+11:00

Breakfast: bircher muesli w/ pomegranate seeds and raspberries
Morning tea: handful cheerios (because they were sitting on the bench)
Lunch: 1 mid-sized wholemeal pita bread w/ garlicky tahini and tomatoes
Afternoon tea: 2 apricots, one jamdrop biscuit
Dinner: roasted vegetables w/ gravy (the piece of beef I roasted was inedibly tough... sniff)

The weekend

2008-11-16T20:04:00.002+11:00

Wow, not a bad weekend at all - it's like I had to have an out-of-control one like last week. Today was a bit weird because I got up late so breakfast didn't happen - but when I was at the shops buying stuff for lunch and the week ahead I didn't get any crap to fill me up.

I'm quite proud of myself.

The psychology of eating

2008-11-14T10:27:00.004+11:00

My shrink has just semi-retired/career-changed and after probably somewhere in the vicinity of 40 years as a psychiatrist he said that he was still no closer to understanding why some people have 'issues' with food and others don't.

But for me, in these early stages of - once again - having to lose weight I feel like a true addict. Each day that passes without me having shovelled more into my mouth than I needed or making food choices that are only going to end badly I psychologically punch the air in victory.

I imagine this is how a gambling addict must feel each and every time they walk past a TAB.
Or an alcoholic walking past the bottle-o.

It is a strange victory, one laden with exhausted resignation.

And so here I stand, another day to get through.

Breakfast:
bowl of porridge w/ stewed rhubarb and pomegranate
Morning tea:
cape seed roll, 1 mango
Lunch:
cape seed roll w/ ham, tomato and rocket
Arvo tea:
small piece of banana parkin
Dinner:
small serve of spaghetti w/ sauteeds broccoli, asparagus and cherry tomatoes

So

2008-11-13T08:05:00.004+11:00

Kill left me a pep talk voicemail yesterday.

I've pulled out all my WW books and food diary.

I've written up the two sayings that have kept me focused in the past:

If you only kind of try to lose weight you'll only kind of lose weight
Nothing tastes as good as being fit and healthy feels

Today is a new day.

Breakfast - a bowl of porridge w/ stewed rhubard and a drizzle of maple syrup, cup of tea
Morning tea - 2 homemade jamdrop biscuits
Lunch - mulitgrain roll w/ ham, rocket, tomato and mustard, cup of green tea
Dinner - beef stirfy w/ boiled rice and Chinese broccoli

I did it. A day. One day.

Weigh In - Week 4

2008-11-12T06:54:00.001+11:00

87.5

Eugh.

daily diary - an example from today

2008-11-11T21:43:00.004+11:00

Today I consumed:

2 HighBran Weetbix, skim Milk, tub of peaches at 6.45am (out of the house by 7.15am)
cup of tea in the travel mug
Trail bar (muesli/nut thing about 1.5 points I think) at 9.45 am (after 2hrs in the car)
1/4 rockmelon at 11.30am (in an underground mine)
ham salad sandwich (no butter, no cheese, dizzle of low fat dijonaise), diet yogurt, apple and trail bar between 3.45pm and 4.30 pm - back in the car for 2.5 hours home

I DID NOT BUY JUNK OR EVEN DIET COKE FROM A SERVO!

small serve of reheated spag bol at home at 7.30pm
diet choc mousse at 9pm (after kids in bed)

I reckon about 20-21 points for the day. Apart from the fact that I should have separated lunch and arvo tea, not a bad day. Plenty of food. Planned ahead. Drank lots of water.

prediction

2008-11-11T21:26:00.002+11:00

I am hoping for a small loss tomorrow. I have made some effort this week in terms of food. It included being the purveyor of healthy food at both a morning and an afternoon tea - vegie sticks with homemade 4 bean dip. And serving up glasses of water to the girls between (Jewel) champagnes. How responsible I can be - and there was both surprise and encouragement from the girls!

For some reason, despite how great it made me feel in the first week, exercise has been non-existant for the last couple of weeks. When I have a spare minute I may attempt it again.

Week 3 or somesuch...

2008-11-10T13:14:00.002+11:00

oh I'm having a shocker people.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday seemed to be the triathalon event of just how much I could eat even though I wasn't hungry and wasn't really enjoying it. Seriously.

No idea why. Self sabotage? My period due? Who the hell knows. I think I averaged about 40 points on Sat and Sunday. Each.

Today has been a moderate improvement.

I would like to lose 5kgs in the next 7 weeks - in time for Christmas.
When that came into my head (I know Kill had been talking about losing 5 for Christmas) I felt a renewed sense of focus.

Hopefully it will help. I certainly know I will be back in the 87 zone this week.

Week 3

2008-11-08T07:05:00.003+11:00

I cracked it - the big triple figures are (only just) history. Weigh on Wed was -0.6kg to 99.8kg. Still a disgraceful place to be, and still feeling like a hippo, but it's PROGRESS. And I am determined to be happy with progress.

Weigh In - Week 3

2008-11-05T06:48:00.003+11:00

WHOOT!

I cracked the 87.

Last week I weighed: 87.7
This week I weigh: 86.9
Loss: 0.8

I'm not sure about you but I have certain weights which when I hit them it becomes very hard to keep moving.

87kgs is one of them - I have spent a large amount of my life at this weight and I think my body is very used to it. Another point is 74 kgs - I spent a large amount of my life at that weight too. Ofcourse thinking I was massively obese when if I'd lost as little as three kilos I would have been within the weight range for my height.

Anyway. The reason for this week's progress?
Not listening to the voice in my head telling me that I was already so fat and there was no way I had lost any weight so I might as well eat that chocolate.
Asking myself if I had to write down everything I was eating here - on this blog, for the world to see - would I eat it?
And no chips.

I am just stoked to be below 87, even if it is only just.

Weigh In - Week 2

2008-10-31T10:21:00.002+11:00

So I gained 700g this week.
Crap.

It has however made me pull my head in - of sorts.

Yesterday was the first day in the two weeks that I think I ate within an 18 point limit.
I had an apple and a date scone for snacks, porridge for brekkie, a salad sandwich for lunch at Ikea (when I could have had meatballs) and spag bol at the inlaws.

When I weighed myself this morning I'd lost 600g from Wednesday. Here's hoping I can sustain it for a whole week and see where it gets me for next Wednesday's weigh-in

Week 2 weigh in.

2008-10-29T09:34:00.004+11:00

Well this week has had it's ups and downs.
1. A night at mum and dad's that invariably involves champagne. Did have three but they were the low joule Jewel stuff and restricted myself to rice crackers for nibbles
2. Attended a training event where lunch was supplied. Ate 2 half sandwiches for lunch and some fruit. MOrning and arvo tea, I steered clear of the plates of yummy (sabotage) goodies and had a sultana scone with no butter (twice).
3. Had an open day with an early start on Saturday. 2 weetbix before we left home were quickly brought undone by a free bacon and egg roll at about 9am. But I rationalised it, counted the points and gave Hen the sausage sandwich I was given around midday. Ate a banana on the way home in the car instead at about 1pm. And I wasn't hungry anyway - apparently, so thousands of skinny people say, this is a valid reason for not eating - who knew!???!
4. Friends for dinner Sat night - challenges all round! Made a dip with a tin of 4 bean mix, salt, garlic and lemon juice and a drizzle of olive oil - it was good! Served it up with wasabi peas, vegie sticks and rice crackers. Served salmon fillets with green salad, cous cous and chickpea salad and boiled baby spuds tossed in a little butter. And here comes the undoing - I had made chocolate mousse - dark choc on the bottom, white choc on top served with whipped cream and blueberries - superb self sabotage! Plus the 4 (Jewel) champagnes.
5. Got back on track a bit on Sunday, and limited myself to 15 points Monday and 15 Tuesday. Exercise for the week - 2 sessions on the treadmill. AND the result for this week - consolidated last week with a loss of 0.1kg. But I am still keen and looking forward to cracking this STUPID 100 this week.

Awwwcrap

2008-10-28T09:16:00.002+11:00

So I did a pre-weigh-in day weigh-in.

Apparently I've GAINED 1.3kgs this week.

CRAP.

Weigh In - Week 1

2008-10-22T07:41:00.002+11:00

This week was half arsed.

I ate chocolate.
I ate chips.
I drank A LOT of sparkling shiraz at Jasper's 3rd birthday.
I did no exercise whatsoever - except cleaning and rearranging the back room.

BUT

I did eat a proper breakfast and lunch each day - dinners were a bit hit and miss, as was mid-morning, which is my weak spot.

I did have two days at hospital with children which involved a lot of nervous energy and not much food.

I need to lose 19.6kg.
This week I lost 0.6kg.

Any loss is a good loss.

10%! Bring on week 2

2008-10-22T07:29:00.002+11:00

Wow
It just shows me how slack I have been. And how being healthy is not that difficult.

I need to lose 28.3kg.
This week I lost 2.8kg.
10% of what I need to lose.
Yey!

Keep that up and it will all be gone by Christmas. No, I'm not that unrealistic. But great to have an encouraging start. Good on me.

Kill 100.5

little victories

2008-10-20T21:40:00.002+11:00

Have actually stood up to myself over the last few days:
1. Went to the races for a couple of hours on Sat afternoon and limited myself to 2 champagnes and maybe 3 corn chips
2. Increased incidental activity that also achieved something by doing some gardening on the weekend. Unfortunately my back was buggered yesterday afternoon, but seemed OK again this arvo so I dug a couple more holes tonight and then managed 30 minutes on the treadmill too.
3. Had a morning tea thing at school and limited myself to one half date scone (and hunted around till I found one with no butter) and then had 2 bites of a cupcake (Jem had licked the icing off and given it to me, but I left the rest even though it was nice) and one piece of slice Jem gave to me. But that was it and I counted the points in.
4. Tonight I cooked home grown lamb chops and mash for the others and then made myself a salad. Added a leg and thigh of a BBQ chook but removed all the skin (sprocket enjoyed it)
5. Have bought some WW meals for the freezer so I can cook for the family and then hook into a frozen dinner and salad/vegies. Also have heaps of WW desserts so I can satisfy my sweet tooth.
6. I am writing down everything in my little log book - I have had it for a nearly a year - I was going to lose 5kg leading up to Christmas last year (instead I gained 15!)

I am actually proud of myself and looking forward to seeing how much I have lost this week!!??!!

Day 3

2008-10-17T22:00:00.003+11:00

Hmmm.

Issues so far this week:

1. The chocolate mum bought me (that I had requested) in the States calling my name.
2. The pizza last night as I was too knackered after handling four children all afternoon at swimming lessons and haircuts and getting home at 6. (Stupid - normally have something slow cooking for Thursday nights)
3. The creamy prawn penne I made for dinner tonight.

I do believe this is called self sabotaging.

I start each day beautifully, fall down mid-morning then pull it back together and normally last the rest of the day. Sometimes.

Onya Kill - so impressed the exercise regime has already begun. You've inspired me. Tomorrow there will be physical activity of some sort...

Day 2

2008-10-16T21:58:00.003+11:00

250km in the car, 3 meetings, 2 kids haircuts, week 1 Little A's, 17.5 points consumed, 30 minutes treadmill, hair wash and Heroes. A good day.

These boots are made for walking

2008-10-15T21:42:00.002+11:00

The poor old treadmill just got pulled down and turned on!! Shocking, I know. 30 minutes, extraordinarily slow and stupidly painful - well uncomfortable. But it's a start. And it stopped me from obsessing about what to stuff in my cake hole after dinner.

I have arrived.......

2008-10-15T21:34:00.002+11:00

.......and how far have I fallen to get here.

Just checked my weight loss chart on the back of the door this morning. It was march 2006 and I weighed 76.5kg - It was just over 12months since having J - a pregnancy I had started at 105kg. That enormous sense of achievement, the consistent effort and tracking what I ate for months was rewarded with attending a 'college reunion' type wedding and feeling fantastic about myself in a new LBD. The first LBD I had ever worn with confidence in my whole life. And this morning, stark naked after a wee - 103.3.

FUCK THAT - GAME ON

Me vs 30kg here we go

Kill : 103.3

Back v.2.545

2008-10-15T07:46:00.003+11:00

So how many times have we been here? Unhappy in appearance but still shovelling food in and not moving my sorry arse?

For the last few months Chef and I have been losing weight together. This has involved him losing 12.5kgs and me gaining 3. Nice. The upside has been a return to the gym, although that has fallen by the wayside in the last month due to everyone being sick, the end of term and school holidays.

So here I stand. Fat and sick of it.

So we're going to try something different - not in terms of weightloss because I know exactly what is required - eat less, move more - but here, in the land of Boombalardy.

I'm going to be joined by Kill - my best friend through thick and thin. We're both at a place with our bodies we would rather not be. We've both been 'thin' in terms of within the weight range for our height - but have slipped away from it back to the land of multiple stomachs, chins and back boobs.

Sometimes it's because life has dealt us a hand of cards too stressful and upsetting to stomach without a gutful of salt and vinegar chips or a family block of chocolate or a bowlful of icecream. Sometimes because a situation seems to have no solution let alone an end in sight of any sort.

So we're going to do this together - the good days and bad - the losses and the gains.

Wednesdays are weigh-in day.

A new start.
Again.

Kim: 87.6kgs.

Back

2008-06-25T07:27:00.002+10:00

This week's loss: 0.6kg

So, Chef has a pretty monumental weightloss road ahead of him.
He seems to finally get it.
That if he doesn't lose at least a significant portion of it he's going to develop diabetes, have a heart attack or continue down a path of major health issues.

We're doing it together.

Wednesday is weigh in day.
He's made up a chart that we record our weekly weight on - and a column that indicates percentage of body mass lost. And measurements.

We're our own Biggest Loser show over here.

Game on.

tra la la BOOM today

2008-03-21T19:23:00.001+11:00

Well it's official.
I am pretty certain I'm going backwards.
Can't stop eating chocolate.
Think in my head 'food is fuel' and then thumb.even.my.big.fat.nose. at it.

Must get back on track.
MUST.

Update

2008-03-04T23:06:00.003+11:00

Appalling.
February.
Blew Chunks.
Which made me say something like the following:
"Food for fuel not comfort MY ARSE"
or
"Nothing tastes as good as being thin and fit feels GET BENT"
Followed by an enormous consumption of chocolate
Not seen since about 2003.

Going back to work = not being able to get to my WW meeting anymore.
The only one that fits is a Wednesday night and that, my friends, on a day I am at work is in the too hard basket.
So what to do what to do.
Because I need to get to 65 kilos sometime before 2010.
Just because.

So the plan while I find a WW meeting I can get to
(because clearly yes I do need the threat of a public weigh-in gain to keep me on track)
is to write a food journal.
And to write it here
because the three of you that seem to check in here every day?
I know how scintillating you will find it.

Yesterday:
Breakfast - bowl of Special K with low fat yoghurt and skim milk
Lunch - toast with homemade jam (yes I need to do a grocery shop)
Dinner - corned beef w/ three veg mash (made w/ skim milk, no butter) and white sauce (made w/ skim milk) and broccoli
Water - 3 x 600ml bottles

Today:
Breakfast - bowl of Special K with low fat yoghurt and skim milk
Lunch - bowl of vegetable noodle soup w/ rice vermicelli noodles
Dinner - homemade pizza w/ onion, mushroom, little bit of ham and low fat ricotta (YUM)
Water - 3 x 600ml
4 squares Lindt cherry intense dark chocolate

I know, the excitement is breathtaking.

And in another new leaf, I'm opening up comments over here.
Be.Nice.
No Assvice please.

Weigh In - Week 20

2008-01-24T10:51:00.000+11:00

-0.9

That, people, is just plain luck.
I have no idea how I did that.

Well, maybe an inkling.
You see, about 11 years ago I lost about 27kgs following a program by this French guy, Michel Montignac that he called 'Dine Out and Lose Weight'.
In a nutshell it is food combining.
I guess it must be like Atkins but more balanced - for you still eat carbs but you try to eat only good carbs and not with protein.
It means 11 years ago I was working off gylcemic index principles that became all the rage recently.
And well dudes, it works.
Clearly.
I've been doing it since Week 12 and every week since (almost) I've lost.

But I haven't been ruthless with it because this time round what I'm doing/eating has to be sustainable.
I mean, only ever eating a pasta dish with virtually no fat and no meat?
Get real.
I mean, Thai/Japanese/Chinese/other Asian cuisine without rice?
Get real.
A poached egg on its own? Without a slice of toast?
Get real.

But if I do have pasta that's rich or has a meat based sauce, I'm only eating a small bowl with a lot more salad.
If we're having Thai takeaway I'm only having a small portion of rice.

And you know what happens when I do this?
My sugar intake and my fat intake go down dramatically.
My cravings become a lot clearer (ie - it's not I need chips it's I really need something salty etc)

So there you go, that's where I'm at.

Exercise has been non-existent as it's just been in the too hard basket and I'm also conscious of when I get into the 70s that is when I need to pull out the exercise folder as the 70s is where I've resided most of my adult life and this body hates letting go of those layers.

Weigh In - Week 19

2008-01-23T23:09:00.000+11:00

OK, so I didn't go to WW from 21 December until last Thursday.
But get this.
My goal for last week was to be 87.5kgs.

So sure, I hadn't been in four weeks.
But I LOST 0.1kg.
100grams.
It might as well have been 1kg.

But that 100 grams meant I was at my mini-goal.

Of course the week of eating this past week will probably ruin it, but there you go.

Weigh-in tomorrow.

Back on track

2008-01-07T08:12:00.001+11:00

OK, so I haven't been to WW for two weeks. The first was Boxing Day and I think it only fair that I had a short reprieve. And last week was because I just knew it would be ugly.

I KNOW this week will be ugly - I suspect the gain is going to be somewhere around the 2kg mark. There is no way the amount of saturated fat and in particular CREAM I have ingested in the last fortnight could not have pushed me out that far.

BUT, that said, it has been a sumptious two weeks of baking and good food and now I am ready to face this year of further good food and baking, just maybe a bit less butter.

My goal is to be at 85kg by the time I am due back to work - 4 Feb.
My goal is to be under 70kg, ideally somewhere around 68kg by my birthday.
I have a notion of being 66 by 36, but that's just because I like the sound of it.
I haven't been 66 kgs since about 1986, so you know, it'd be a golden goal.

But I'm back. It's going to be a bumpy ride, but knowing how much happier and confident I am when I'm not this size.

Weigh In - Week 15`

2007-12-21T10:29:00.000+11:00

OK - much to say, much to updated, but yesterday:

10 KILOS!

I've lost 10 kilos.

Un-effing-believable.

Am stoked.

Have kicked the 90kgs land to the curb.

At this rate - by February - so of my work clothes may even fit!

How have I done it?
1. stress
2. anxiety
3. busy

really.

Week 13, Day 1

2007-11-30T14:46:00.000+11:00

Breakfast:
natural yoghurt with stewed rhubarb

Lunch:
Lentil burger w/ rocket and cherry tomoatoes

Snacks:
4 cruskits
1 plum
4 passionfruit

Exercise:
1 massive walk going about half way around Narrabeen Lake and back - I think we were gone for about 1.5 hours, maybe 1hr 20?

Weigh In - Week 13

2007-11-30T12:20:00.000+11:00

- 1.5kg

What the!?!

It is a mystery. A mystery.
I mean, I have weeks when I am so very very good and I lose 100g and then weeks like the one past when I don't eat well and indeed eat four brownies in one day and I lose 1.5kgs.
Who knows...

Week 12, Day 7

2007-11-28T15:31:00.000+11:00

My relationship with food and my body is absolutely, totally fucked.
The end.

Seriously.

I have eaten incredibly badly this last week - and not bad as in a lot or junk food or anything like that, just really bad - like the row of brownies I ate today. Four squares.
And then the guilt I lay on about eating them.
So I don't even enjoy them in the eating.
And then I start thinking about making myself vomit them up.
And have a whole internal dialogue about how that is not a choice.
That is officially a complete cluster-fuck.

I started out today with some low-fat Greek yoghurt and stewed rhubarb and put on daggy gear to go walking in after dropping the boys at school.
But then had to feed Grover first, then deal with Jasper's mega tantrum of the day, and hang out some washing.
By then it was close to nap time and I didn't want Jasper just napping in the stroller so told myself to do a gym workout video when they were asleep.
Instead I fell asleep for half an hour when I put him down and then got up and ate two brownies. Then about 20 Jatz crackers as the packet was open and on the bench and well, they were 'there'.
So I didn't eat lunch because I figured that Jatz crackers and two brownies were damage enough.
And then somewhere between them waking up, hanging out washing and having to pick boys up from school I ate another two brownies.

My mental state at the moment is being so determined by all this.
I see my reflection and wince.
But still I make a choice to eat badly. To binge. Then beat myself up about it.
I continually do a Dr Phil on myself but to no avail.

I mean, investing in this behaviour is rewarding me how?

Week 12, Day 3

2007-11-24T17:40:00.000+11:00

Am in jeans.
Non-pregnancy jeans.
Which I don't think I got back into after Jasper.
But maybe I did.
For a little while.

Breakthrough.

Weigh In - Week 12

2007-11-23T23:27:00.000+11:00

- 1.6kg

Nothing like an anxiety-attack-laden depressive episode to kick the weight-loss back into gear.
Actually I think I've had a gastro bug of some sort as I really haven't eaten much since early this week.
My head is not in a good place and it's largely due to being back here battling my weight and facing the issues and reality around why I eat what I eat and so on.

Week 11

2007-11-17T13:58:00.000+11:00

I'm having a hard time of it at the moment. Back (Still?) in that land of being so depressed about my weight and how I look and so angry that I can't cook and bake whatever I feel like and eat it with gay abandon.

Anger. That is a real mainstay of my mindset at the moment. So angry about so much and I just can't seem to shake it. Oh don't worry, I am doing the most impressive cognitive therapy on myself but still I just rage it out. Eugh.

I just do NOT want to be in the 90s. So stop baking for a few weeks just to get over that hurdle. But I don't want to stop baking and cooking delicious things to eat. Well then accept you will probably never be 68kgs. But I can't accept that. Well get.over.it. Suck.it.up. Get moving. Stop eating.

And on and on and on it goes.

Weigh In - Week 11

2007-11-14T20:16:00.001+11:00

No change.
Which, considering the porkfest is quite a remarkable thing.
That said, I did a LOT more exercise this week - a massive walk one day, half an hour with ball and band another, an hour aerobic workout on one day and the purchase and moving of 250kg of sandpit sand.
And with that, I feel lighter. Stiff but lighter.

I know I'm not putting my whole heart into this at the moment.
And then bitching about it.
So I'm just going to suck it up and try harder this week.

Goals

2007-11-08T13:31:00.000+11:00

I haven't written this post down because it means I have to tell you all what I weigh.
And I know for a fact that some of you who read this weigh almost half of what I weigh and well, that just makes me feel really embarrassed and repulsive.
But I think it's important for me in being accountable for what I'm eating, for taking care of this body, for losing the excess weight and gaining the lifestyle and good health I want.

Today I weigh 93.3kgs
When I started I weighed 97.6kgs
I am 1.67m tall
My goal weight range is 71-56kgs.
I dream of weighing 60kgs. (I weighed 61kgs in 1984 when I was 13 and in 6th grade. I was probably just a few cms shy of how tall I am now. I know I weighed that as it was a public weigh-in during PE at school and there was an audible gasp from the other girls in my class.)
My dream goal weight is 65kgs.
My realistic goal weight is 68kgs.

My first goal is to lose 5kgs by next Thursday, 15 November.

I want to be under 90kgs by Christmas.
That is a loss of at least 3.3kgs in 6 weeks.

Then my 10% goal - 87.8
Then to be under 85kg by 4 February (when I return to work from maternity leave)

Then my next 10% goal - 79kg
Then under 75kg
Then my next 10% goal - 71kg
Then to be under 70kg
Then goal.

I think my goals for weight loss by return to work are ambitious (particularly considering my birthday, Christmas, New Years and Australia Day are in there) and I'm not convinced I have the willpower to do it. But then I beat myself up that if I really wanted it I would work hard for it.

But I also know me.
I know that I love food and I love to bake and I love to eat.
And that weight loss for weight loss's sake is not worth it.
Because it all just comes back tenfold.
I need to do this in a way that is sustainable.
I like chocolate. I adore cake. I love a drink. An antipasto plate is a beautiful thing.
I am not going to be the person who nibbles on a carrot stick all the while wanting to bury her head in the blue cheese.

This is going to take some time.

Weigh In - Week 10

2007-11-08T13:25:00.000+11:00

+0.1kg

So I had wanted to lost 5kgs in 10 weeks.
I've lost 4.3kgs.
This week I had set myself the goal of losing 0.6kgs to reach that goal.
Instead I sabotaged myself at virtually every opportunity.
I only did one lot of exercise. No walks. No exercise DVDs. No gym.
IDIOT.

This week I've swapped from doing WW in the prepaid 10 weeks block and gone to WW unlimited with the online access etc. (I tried to do this at the start but didn't have a credit card, now we have a debit Visa so I could) I think that perhaps having the message boards with others will help me stay on track and be accountable.
Already this from Shaz in Adelaide has got into my head and given me renewed commitment.

Week 9, Days 4-6

2007-11-07T12:51:00.000+11:00

Oy.
This week has been hard hard hard.
My Ode to Nigella is taking its toll.
I feel like giving up and just eating eating eating.
And sitting on my arse.
But I won't.
But I'm getting tired of the seesaw - lose one week, gain the next, lose, gain, beat self up and repeat.
I feel like I need to come over all Mr T with myself - you know, 'quit your jibberjabber' and deal.with.it.
I just don't wanna.

Week 9, Day 3

2007-11-03T21:42:00.000+11:00

Breakfast/Lunch - two Whisk&Pin muesli cookies, half a Portuguese custard tart
Afternoon tea - slice of amazing goats cheese and a citron tart.
Dinner - pumpkin and pinenut quiche

Hardly a great day in terms of calory intake, but a wonderful day of flavours and fresh produce.

Week 9, Days 1-2

2007-11-02T12:38:00.000+11:00

So I've had a slight slide with the whole don't eat to celebrate weight loss rule.

Yesterday day was OK, last night was a disaster. I put it down to pure exhaustion.
We had take away pizza.
Granted, the pizzas are fantastic from where we get them from - a great little joint in Collaroy called Alimento - but not at the amount I gorged myself on last night. GORGED.

I had some spaghetti marinara - lovely and not just made with that hideous creation entitled 'seafood mix'. Shudder.
But then there was the calzone to try - again, delicious with ricotta, basil, olive tapenade and capsicums.
And then slice... or three... of the other pizzas we got.
Ridiculous.

And then there has been today.
So far.
I had the remaining piece of calzone for breakfast.
Then two pieces of Chef's request - which would have been fine what for the pepperoni.
Then a few teaspoons of nutella.

Now, having just confessed that I realise it isn't that bad and to stop. NOW.

I did half an hour with my 'ball and band' DVD this morning which has made me feel really good.

Bake on track now.
5 kilos in 10 weeks is the first of my goals.
0.6kgs to lose this week to reach that goal.

DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.
DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.
DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.

Thank you for listening.

Weigh In - Week 8

2007-11-02T12:34:00.000+11:00

-0.9kgs

YEY!

I was really pleased. I did more exercise this week, I kept a food diary here which really helped make me accountable (even if the wheels fell of it slightly as my week was manic this week) and just felt more in control.

This has actually meant my initial small goal of 5kgs in 10 weeks is on track. If I lose 0.6kg this week then I've done it. Something I will be very stoked about indeed.

Week 8, Days 5 and 6

2007-10-31T21:54:00.000+11:00

These have been manic.
Today was ridiculous.

Yesterday's breakfast was yoghurt and rhubarb
Today's didn't exist as I was getting four kids ready for the day by 7am. And that was even though I was up at 5.15.
There were a LOT of lollies today. A lot of sugar.

Both days featured sushi for lunch

Last night I picked at the duck and chicken as I prepared it for dinner
Tonight I had some udon noodle soup and roasted pineapple.

That's what I can remember.

Tomorrow's weigh in so that will be interesting.

Week 8, Day 4

2007-10-28T12:52:00.000+11:00

Breakfast:
1 slice fruit toast w/ ricotta, honey and cinnamon
cup of tea

morning tea:
a very big fingerful of Nutella

Lunch:
breadroll, chicken rissole, slice cheese, beetroot, salad greens, onion

Afternoon tea:
Rhubarb compote

Dinner:
salad leaves, tomatoes tossed w/ parsley, skim milk yoghurt cucumber raita, tandoori chicken, steamed rice

four chocolate finger biscuits

Week 8, Day 3

2007-10-28T12:49:00.001+11:00

Breakfast:
Homemade pancakes w/ lemon juice and sugar
cup of tea

lunch (was at a party for a girl in Oscar's class):
three party size sausage rolls
2 slices baguette topped w/ salad and prawns
several multigrain crackers w/ blue cheese
slice cake

Dinner:
Make your own hamburgers - homemade chicken rissole, slice cheese, beetroot, breadroll, which I couldn't finish

water:
2 litres
exercise:
nil (does holding Grover for duration of party - 2.5 hours - count as exercise?)

Week 8, Day 2

2007-10-26T22:28:00.001+10:00

Breakfast:
1 slice fruit toast w/ ricotta, honey and cinnamon
cup of tea

Lunch:
Left over homemade pizza
Small bowl leftover low-fat risotto

Afternoon tea:
home made choc chip oatmeal biccie
1 frosty fruit ice block

Dinner:
bbq chicken and salad

water 2 litres
Exercise: walk for about 45mins w/ big hills (from home, up round Warriewood headland, stopped at park for about 15, home) pushing double stroller

Week 8, Day 1

2007-10-26T22:12:00.001+10:00

Fruit toast w/ ricotta and a drizzle of honey
cup of tea

Sushi
Handful of chocolate sultanas

home made pizzas - three slices w/ tomato sauce, garlic and ricotta (I was still quite full from lunch)

Exercise - nil

Weigh In - Week 7

2007-10-26T21:33:00.000+10:00

Well, I warned you.
+0.7kgs.
I suppose it was all those chocolate finger biscuits dipped in blue icing.
Or the slices of streusel cake.
Or the multitude of scones. With jam. And cream.

But good must come from bad.

It got me back to the gym on Wednesday night.
And I almost enjoyed it.
I could still (just) balance on the exercise ball up on my knees. Not bad eh. Considering I hadn't been since February 2006.
It was also, on a scale, nowhere near as 'bad' as what I was eating almost every day little over seven weeks ago.
My fat intake has probably dropped by 95 per cent.
My junk food intake has essentially ceased.
The empty calories of juice and the sneaking growth of the amount of soft drink I was consuming have both ceased.
We would eat pasta maybe one night a week now. It was 3 or four.
There are lentils on the menu.
And loads of veggies and salad.
Fish is now at least once a week.
And every day I tell myself this road I am on now, will have peaks and valleys.
As it is my life.
And there is a lot of work to be done on how I use food.
For when I am sad, stressed, happy and virtually any other emotion at the end of the emotional spectrum I use food as my buffer.
For everything in between I use food.
I think that by baking for others they'll like me more. I think making lovely things for the boys will make me a better mother. In their eyes.
When simply being me does that each and every day.
But without food I feel stripped bare. Like 'what have I got to fall back on/hide behind/deflect the attention'.

So this week was a valley in terms of my weight going down. But it was a peak in terms of my third child turning two and him having a family around him who love him to bits and who light up his life as much as he shines a thousand golden orbs of light into ours.
And that is what I shall remember.

Week 7

2007-10-25T07:34:00.000+10:00

This week has been madness.
You know what I've learnt? Than when I have a good weight loss, when I start feeling better about my body and how I look, celebrating by eating solidly for five days is not the best response.
It started with weigh in day where I ate a LOT of chocolate post the good 0.5kg loss.
It continued with the three day Festival of Jasper birthday celebrations.
The amount of butter frosting I shovelled into my mouth on the end of chocolate finger biscuits is not worth dwelling on. Nor the number of pieces of streusel cake I consumed. Nor the amount of cream I dolloped onto the top of my scones.
Yesterday the number of calories I consumed was just ridiculous.
I did it as a shoot-myself-in-the-foot approach. So convinced am I that I've put on about 1kg this week I figured I might as well make it come true.
SO
I went to the gym last night.
For the first time since February 2006.
2kms on what I believe is called the elliptical trainer in about 13 minutes? The one where you put your feet on 'paddles' and walk. Some ball work for 'inner core' (GOD it felt good to suck in that stomach and make the muscles work) then 10 minutes on the treadmill. About 40 minutes all up.
SO
I'm going to write down everything I eat here, on this blog, for a week.
And I'm going to remember to find less self destructive ways to celebrate eating better and thereby losing weight and gaining fitness than eating cake.
It will be scintillating.

Weigh In - Week 6

2007-10-22T21:02:00.001+10:00

-0.5.
I knew it too. I had a good week, which means I felt in control. But it was a pair of (maternity) jeans I pulled on that told me I was on the good road.
5kgs is a dress size, I've lost 4.1.

Week 6, Days 1-6

2007-10-16T20:04:00.000+10:00

I've had a pretty good week, which has been interesting because I haven't been feeling as flat. And then I got to yesterday and became all bleak about life and had a whole incident today with rice crackers and spring onion (and then French Onion!) dip (at different times) that we need not go into.
Food to fill the void.

Weigh In - Week 5

2007-10-12T22:36:00.000+10:00

-0.1kg
But it might as well have been 1kg such was the mental impact.
The last two weeks have been a struggle.
But I feel like I've come through it and my head doesn't feel as fuzzy.
We shall see.

Week 5

2007-10-10T16:03:00.000+10:00

Hmmm.
Has the not posting here been on purpose? In that trying to ignore what I've been doing and how I've been feeling I've therefore been eating?
Filling the void?
Or coping with all.the.crying?
Or the pressure I'm putting on myself about the lack of intimacy between me and Chef at the moment?
All the unspokens that end in the eatens.
It's not that I've been 'bad' or out of control, but I haven't been that 'good' at listening to my body and paying the necessary dues in terms of feeling full, getting so hungry I could gnaw off my own arm.
You know, just the normal 'issues' for the person trying to lose weight over here in the corner.

I'm trying to follow the core plan with Weight Watchers and just feel a bit like I'm free falling.
I think I need to follow their suggested menu plans, just to get a feel for it.

Otherwise I am eating essentially a lot more whole foods - less refined sugar and flours. I love doing this and can feel the effects almost instantly in terms of stamina and energy levels.
I am using a HELL of a lot less oil in my cooking.
I'm back to not eating butter - which I do by not eating toast, because I'm having a bircher muesli or poached egg or weetbix with yoghurt and fruit.

I keep telling myself I'm doing this for the long haul. To establish a better relationship with food, to 'normalise' so this see-saw of weight loss and weight gain ends.

But the competitor in me. The perfectionist. They want to see the rungs on the board. They want big weekly losses. They want the clothes in the wardrobe to fit. Now.

I have weigh in tomorrow and I'm absolutely dreading it.
I suspect I have gained again this week.
So I make myself think it all the way through to the end.
What if I have gained again?
My 'leader' Gayle will give me some tips and strategies to try for the week ahead.
I will still be here.
My family will still love me.
The clothes still won't fit.
So I will have another gain.
And another week will present itself.
For better healthier eating.
For perhaps some more (any!) exercise.
And so it goes.

Weigh In - Week 4

2007-10-04T22:35:00.000+10:00

Well it was bound to happen
+0.4kg

I kinda was expecting it.
I changed days as the leader of the group I was attending was shitting me to tears.
The group I'm now going to (on Thursdays) is run by the Leader who ran the meetings I went to when I lost about 14kgs five years ago.
I'm actually OK with it because I know what I did 'wrong' or didn't do:
- exercise
- wasn't tracking
- letting myself get hungry and then gorging rather than listening to my body

My upbeat positivity is surprising even myself.

We shall see how long it lasts.

Week 4, Days 4-7

2007-10-02T15:24:00.000+10:00

So this week has been relatively uneventful. Saturday was hard as it was grand final day so there were chips and other assorted things lying around, but apart from that I've been OK.
You watch, I've probably put on this week.

Week 4, Days 1-3

2007-09-28T14:08:00.000+10:00

Funny how time flies huh.
This week I've felt a lot calmer with it all.
Like I'm finding that groove.
Enough losses on the board that I feel we're (almost) getting somewhere.
It will be interesting to see if and when last week's emotions replicate themselves and if it is my hormonal cycle returning to some sort of pattern.
I know that when I am getting my period the two days before it I am ravenous. Insatiable.
But I know that last week was largely due to the process and that this weight-loss life-gain process is a long haul one.
I know I will still be writing here in a year and will probably not yet be at my goal weight.
So here I stand. A few good days on the board and feeling ok.
Just OK.
It's tenuous, but better than last weeks panic.

Weigh In - Week 3

2007-09-26T14:05:00.000+10:00

-0.7kg

Well after that incredibly grim week, what a result!
I have lost bang on 4kgs.
A woman who started the week I did, C, and I have hit it off and we both had a week of being miserable. And a bad weekend. Her with the booze and me with the tarts.
As she said, "I'm miserable about being fat and miserable about having to think about every mouthful I eat".
I know this time passes.
The one where the goal is so far off it hardly seems worth it.
Where you berate yourself so much the warped logic of being miserable being fat is satiated by eating more.
I know that happens whether I'm 5 kilos from my goal weight or 25.
So I'm just going to clock this one.
It was a bad week with a good outcome.

Week 3, Days 2-5

2007-09-23T22:50:00.000+10:00

Oy.
This has been a hard week.
Full of eating. Nay, scoffing chocolate.
Of baking and eating tartlet after tartlet.
And then of feeling an anxiety attack brewing over how many points were in each and every little tartlet.
And berating myself for doing it.
And panicking about how I can undo it.
And thinking maybe I could be a bit bulimic just this week.

So you see.
Despite sometimes having the tools sometimes the worker is just inept at using them.